All posts by danny smith

Travelling on the Bus

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Monday, December 10 2012

Travelling on the bus is something some of us HAVE to do in order to get anywhere. Many people not accustomed to bus travel and do not do it frequently hate the experience though I'm starting to believe accustomed bus travellers actually start to enjoy the whole experience. 

When I was attending college, I had to travel by bus for 1 hour and 10 minutes to college and then again home from college. In the start I hated it, what a waste of time I thought it was, always awkward when an overweight stranger sits down next to you and you find your face being squashed against the glass.

However - After several months I begun to like travelling on the bus, I begun to notice patterns that infrequent bus travellers would never notice. I am now a self imposed expert bus traveller. Do not confuse this to be a hobby, I do not travel the bus as some type of weird hobby, though I expect these people do exist somewhere. There are several different types of bus travellers and each of them have their own entertainment value, I'm going to go into and describe them for you.

1. The Sleeping Guy

You've seen him. Hes sitting in his chair hunched over fast asleep, he moves with the forces of the bus. At times he'll lift his head up only to drop it back down again, any minute now you expect him to face plant into the floor or into someone elses lap, you sit their hoping for this outcome that ultimately never comes. This guy a pro sleeper, whenever he gets onto the bus he knows he will be taking a nap on this journey. You'll find one on almost every bus.

2. The Inavertant Entertainers

Every single bus (apart from empty ones) has them. Two loud talking friends or indeed, strangers strike up a conversation and every other passenger secretly listens in. We never discuss the fact that we are listening but we all know, and we all form exactly the same opinion as each other. "These two are boring" or "this is entertaining", many a time have I been dissapointed by this particular set of people. One of the worst ever conversations I've had the misfortune to hear was a few days ago, here's how it played out

Entertainer 1: You get the 141 to your house but I get the 414, isnt thaty funny

Entertainer 1: Its hard to remember which bus I'm supposed to get, they're so similar

Entertainer 2: Yeah I know what you mean

Entertainer 1: I mean your bus goes to my house but it takes longer, mine is much faster

I banged my head against the window several times before getting off of the bus a few stops early, just to avoid hearing anymore.

3. The Crazy Lady

I'm sure you're instantly picturing your crazy lady right now, if you're not, you clearly don't travel the bus often enough. This lady will talk to everyone she possibly can, including herself. She will also take it upon herself to wake at people outside of the bus, this is something that should never be done. When you get onto a bus you agree that whilst on this particular bus, the bus will own you. Anyone not on said bus is to be seen as a dodgy outsider. This lady however ignores these unwritten rules. She'll go as far as banging on the window and shouting someones name if she knows them. Entertaining for about 5 minutes, beyond that you want to chuck her off the moving bus.

4. The Music Player

Possibly the most annoying passenger you can get. This one sits at the back of the bus in his favourite tracksuit bottoms looking like hes just rolled in from The Jeremy Kyle Show. He takes out his mobile phone and proceeds to play the worst kind of music known to man, Rap or Dubstep. He will play this music for the entire journey annoying every single other passenger on board, no one says a word to him, we simply tut out loud and curse at him in our heads.

If you would like to share your bus travelling stories/add to the list here, please feel free to comment. And remember, the top deck front seat above the driver is mine, I have claimed it, so please, do not sit there.

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"I'm going on holiday" The Predictable Sequence

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Friday, November 9 2012

I don't know if you've noticed this, I doubt you have, you probably don't care. I was talking to a few friends who are going on holiday in a few weeks and I realised there's a whole process involved whenever someone does go on holiday.

Firstly, it starts off with someone telling you that they're going away, this question, without fail follows up that statement, "Where are you going? Anywhere nice?" Why. Why do people add on the "anywhere nice?" question?

"No, I'm not going anywhere nice actually, I thought I'd go Zimbabwe this year, I hear the food there is lovely" it's a pointless question. It's not needed.

Then something else equally as frustrating to me follows, people always say "Oo I'm so jealous, put me in your suitcase", everybody says that, everybody. Firstly, how big a suitcase are they going to be taking which can fit not only an entire two weeks worth of clothes, but also a human being? How are you going to get that past airport scanners? Those scanners can pick up drugs concealed inside a book, I think, just maybe, they're going to see through someone hiding in a suitcase. Not to mention baggage handlers, the way they chuck those suitcases about you'd be dead before you even got onto the plane. I know you're not supposed to take it literally, but I do. 

Anyway, your friends or family will go off on their travels, they'll arrive and you'll get the phonecall "I'm just calling to tell you I got here alright", what, was you expecting not to? I thought that was the point in going on holiday, you get to the place you're holidaying in. I didn't realise we were expecting a plane crash. The phone call continues on, here's generally how that phone conversation always goes.

Person On Holiday: I'm just calling to tell you I got here alright

Person Not On Holiday: Oh that's great, whats the weather like?

Person On Holiday: It's gorgeous, clear blue skies and it's 35c outside.

Now, here comes the next annoying cliche

Person Not On Holiday: I'm so jealous, 'bring it back with you'

Bring it back with you? Yeah okay, I'll just pick up the Earths equator and stick it in my suitcase ready for the flight home, might sling some string around the sun and stick that in my giagantic suitcase too while I'm at it. 

Anyway, the next 6 days or so pass and you don't really hear from them, you get the occasional text, "I'm having a great time, wish you were here", no you don't. If you really wished I was there you'd have bloody payed for me to go on holiday with you in the first place.

The holidays over, you pick them up from the airport or see them a few days later, whatever, you ask how their holiday was. Why do people always insist on then telling you that they were ill one of the days they were on holiday? Without fail they will tell you they were ill. They wouldn't care if you told them you got ill while they were away though, would they? But just because they were in a Foreign country and happened to get a little bit sick, they feel its important that they tell you. 

Here's the real clincher though and one that drives me absolutely crazy. 

Person Not On Holiday: Did you enjoy it?

Person On Holiday: Yeah, could have done with a little bit longer, 10 days I think, not two weeks. 

Everybody says that. If 10 days is so perfect then go for 10 days! One week is apparently not long enough, but somehow two weeks is too long. Go for 10 days then, people say this everytime they come back! People always come back dressed in their holidays stuff too, you'll see people getting off a flight back in England wearing straw hats and shorts, they forget its about 10c and raining in this country so they'll then step outside the airport and complain its cold for the next week.

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Clubbing - I Don't Like It

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Sunday, October 14 2012

It's been a few months since I stopped going clubbing, I used to go fairly regularly until I started to become bored of the whole idea. It's like all new experiances, at first it's great and you have a whole lot of fun doing it but it quickly becomes repetitive and rather boring. I remember the first time I went into a club, I hated it, the second time I went into a club was a lot more enjoyable and easily one of the best nights I've ever had out, I became a lover of clubs and getting drunk in general. 

I soon began to realise and see clubs for exactly what they are, a place where guys just want to have sex with anyone they lay their eyes on, and girls who just want to be gorped at in order to give themselves a self esteem boost, deny it all you like, this is exactly what a club is for, and that's before even mentioning the music that's so loud it's impossible to have a decent conversation. Everything moves fast in a club, you're never sitting in the same area for too long, if you're not inside dancing around awkwardly not being able to talk to each other, you're outside getting a lung full of smoke in the smokers area, conversation flows more naturally here, but being a non-smoker that isn't enough to make me want to breathe in someones second hand smoke.

Perhaps I'm old before my time, everyone else my ages loves going out to clubs to drink, dance and ultimately not go home with someone at the end of the night which leads to walking home in a depression filled drunken haze only to spend the next day moaning on Facebook about their hangovers. I'm one for the quieter pub scene, not too quiet mind, I do still like some drama to unfold in front of me. Saturday night pub crawls with a couple of good friends suits me perfectly, decent conversation, great tasting alcohol, some nice chill out music and the bouncing from one pub to another keeps things feeling fresh.

How do you feel about clubbing? Are you for or like me, against?

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An awkward encounter in the bank

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Saturday, October 13 2012

Don't worry. I'm not going to be talking about the countries top bankers and how they're a terrible part of our current society, I'm talking about being inside a bank itself, on the floor, wanting to do something with your bank account. 

I wont say which bank I went into because the bank did nothing wrong, things didn't become awkward and weird until I was on my way out of said bank, let me start from the beginning. 

I've recently been given access to a bank account which was set up for me when I was 3,  prior to having access to this bank account I was using an account with a different bank, I decided that having two bank accounts would not only be awkward, but unnecessary. Before popping into the bank I bought a couple of energy drinks and a pot of fish food, the two items are not related. I walked into the bank carrying a blue bag and lined up for the customer service desk, there was a young women on the desk presumably having left school a few weeks earlier, she was on the phone looking bored, the guy ahead of me was leaning against said desk looking equally bored. Ten minutes passed and the situation remained the same, it was at this point a woman who worked at the bank came over and asked what I was doing there, I explained my situation and she sent me over to a cashier clerk, you know the ones that hide behind bullet proof glass.

I took my place in the line and soon I was face to face with a Scottish guy, I again explained my situation to him and got him to transfer all money into the one account and then proceed to close the account at this bank, I was expecting him to throw a bit of a paddy and talk me into staying with that bank, he didn't. I was getting tired of holding the blue bag so I put it down on the floor next to me, 5 minutes later the transaction was complete and the account was closed, I could be on my way. I walked towards the door completely forgetting about the energy drinks and fish food, I dread to think what someone would have thought if they'd gone through the bag, then I heard someone yelling and I turned around. There was a man standing where I was standing just 15 seconds earlier looking awkwardly at me, I was looking awkwardly back, still unsure whether he was actually talking to me I pointed to myself in an inquisitive way, something that instantly made me feel like I was back in primary school getting told off by the teacher. 

The awkwardness continued for several moments before I finally realised I had left my bag on the floor, he hadn't bothered to pick it up for me so I can only assume he was worried about it being a bomb. I picked the bag up and hurried out the bank as quickly as possible, I didn't look back.

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I Enjoy Wearing a Hat

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Sunday, October 7 2012

I've become quite known as "the hat guy" at parties in the last year or so, I don't know if people call me "the hat guy" but I like to imagine they do, a few days after a party they'll be talking amongst themselves when someone will pipe up saying something along the lines of "anyone remember the hat guy?". I highly doubt this conversation has ever been uttered but it has in my own mind, at least.

Being a hat wearing guy, I can appreciate it when I see other men wearing hats, of course, a large majority of hat wearers including myself look absolutely ridiculous wearing them but I like to think of it as an exclusive club. Many times have I been walking down the middle of a crowded high street with a couple of friends only to see someone wearing a hat, "that guys wearing a hat, he must be cool" I often proclaim to the people walking with me, I never get a response. 

The last party I attended was about 2 months ago, at some point during the night someone had asked if they could wear my hat, I said yes. If I had said no it would have looked like I have an un-healthy attachment to said hat rendering me "creepy hat guy" which is something I avoid at all costs, unfortunately that would be the last time I was ever going to see that hat because shortly after I became very drunk and forgot that I wasn't even wearing my hat. The next morning came around, as I awoke on a hard, living room floor surrounded by passed out drunk members of the party who just hours before had been jumping up and down dancing in the very spot I was laying in, I glanced up at the sun blaring through the window and uttered the words, like so many people do after a night out, "oh god"

I preceeded to look around the room, cake, crisps and chocolate were spread into the carpet, popped balloons and party poppers on top making it look like some type of fancy carpet cake, I quickly realised that if everyone wakes up before I leave I would be forced into helping tidy up, I stood up, falling instantly back against the wall due to both still being drunk and having very dead legs from the very hard floor and following a quick glance around for the lost hat and failing to spot it, I made my way towards the door and begun the long walk home. 

I'm going to order a hat when I wake up in the morning.

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Sayings That Annoy Me

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Wednesday, October 3 2012

It's been a while since my last Blog post, the reason for that is, I've been busy. I wont bore you with the details.

I have however found something new to rant about, and that's what I'm going to be doing now in this article, so grab a seat, get comfortable and carry on reading. Though, chances are you're already sitting down, unless you're reading this on a mobile phone whilst standing on a very busy bus but I'd consider that unlikely, if you are though, let me know in the comments.

The title may have given you some sort of idea what I'm going to be talking about, below are a list of popular sayings and I'm going to explain why they're annoying, don't make any sense or the reason why I just don't like them.

"I could care less" You COULD care less, could you? So, you're saying you DO care? When in actual fact, the saying is supposed to mean "I don't care at all" so why are you phrasing it that way? I think this probably is more of an American thing, the phrase "I couldn't care less" would make a whole lot more sense, please start using it correctly.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" this saying also annoys me. It's something people tell others or themselfs to make them feel better when things aren't going too well, it just doesn't make any sense though. There are plenty of things out there that wont necessarily kill you but they wont make you any stronger, either. Polio, for instance. 

"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" I understand that it's a metaphor, you shouldn't insult other peoples bad qualities if you, yourself have the same bad qualities, but why turn it into something about glass houses? How many people do you know, that lives in a glass house? It'd be awful, you'd never be able to have your own privacy, during the height of summer you'd cook like a beatle that's become stuck in a dis-regarded beer bottle. 

"What goes around comes around" Well done, you've stated the obvious. If something is indeed going around, then by the law of physics to someone at a different viewpoint whatever is going around, will of course be coming around to them. This saying is used to illistrate Karma, if you do something bad and spread badness, the badness will eventually come back around to you. That's not entirely true though, is it? If it was, bad people would have vanished from the Earth many years ago. This saying would be better being used for the flu, or perhaps the orbit of the moon.

"Same Difference" this is perhaps more of an oxymoron than a saying, but I'm going to include it here anyway. People usually say this at the end of an arguement when they've been proved wrong, something cannot be the same yet different, if it were the same, then it would be, if its different then it is not the same. 

Thats all for now. I'm off to drink some energy drinks, have a packet of crisps and listen to my Same Difference album, they were a brother and sister duo from XFactor a couple of years ago, they annoyed me too.

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The Day I Gave Omegle a Try

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Sunday, September 9 2012

 

I'm sure you're aware or have at least heard about the website "Chatroulette", but just incase you haven't, on a basic level it is a website in which you log on and talk to strangers, either by webcam and microphone or simply by a normal chat screen. That's the basics of it, if you do decide to go on using the webcam, I should warn you that certain, people, like to sit in front of their webcams naked, it's best to skip past these people as quickly as possible.

Another lesser known version of Chatroulette is "Omegle", it has the same basic principles and indeed, the same naked people as Chatroulette only with a completely different layout. I was bored last night so I decided to log on into the "chat only" section and have a talk with some strangers, I was eating a sandwich at the time and thought the various naked men would put me off, particularly as it was a Salami sandwich.  The conversation below is one of the conversations that stood out, for clarification sake, "Stranger" is the other person and "you" is me. Not you, but you, oh, now it's just getting complicated.

Stranger: hey

You: Hello random stranger!

Stranger: :-) age gender?

You: I do indeed have both. But I ask, when cheese gets its picture taken, does it say 'me'?

Stranger: haha totally

You: Okay. I have reasons to believe you're schizophrenic, you can hear cheese talking?

Stranger: hey. sooo not fair

You: You're right, I apologise, perhaps you have a very mild case!

Stranger: haha andyways can youj answer? age? gender?

You: I could do, but if you're an FBI agent you might be able to find me and that can't happen, besides, I haven't illegally downloaded anything since the last time

Stranger: if i was from the fbi that info would be enough

Stranger: i answers 2 of your questions answer mine

You: Okay. Deal. 20 and Male

Stranger: gptta go bye

This seems to happen a lot on these websites, the second you tell anyone that you're part of the male species, they leave faster than the French at a war. No offense to any French people reading of course, I dp go to France on a semi-regular basis, I even gave your frogs legs a try, I didn't like them, but I gave them a try.

I've learnt some very important things in my time on Omegle, these are

1. It is apparently acceptable to start a conversation with "I'm horny, are you?"

2. If you are male, you will never make friends. Which is quite ironic as I think anyone who ever uses that website is male

3. Never. Ever, ask them a question such as "Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?"

4. Everyone has very poor grammar. 

 

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IOS VS Android

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Tuesday, September 4 2012

Ah. Yes. The classic IOS VS Android topic, wars are raging constantly across the internet with members from each "camp" battling it out to prove that they own the best device out there, I'm not going to tell you which device I own because if you own the opposite device, you will probably go into a flying rage and punch your computer screen so I'll tell you at the end of this article, that way, when you punch the computer screen you will already have read what I have to say.

The thing is, Apple and Android NEED each other, competition is what leads to innovation and what leads to bigger and greater things, unfortunately, Apple cannot see this and decide to sue everyone it can, fortunately, the law IS actually on Apples side among many of the cases which is why they win so often, that, and I'm sure an excellent legal team. The most recent cases of course being that between Apple and Samsung. Personally, I can't understand why the two camps can't just get along and accept that people choose a device to suit their own personal needs, that being said, there is ONE arguement I see time and time again that really annoys me. It is the argument as follows

Android User: Android has sold more than the IPhone so it must be better

No. Android has sold more than the IPhone because Android is crammed into every device it possibly can, Android is on so many different headsets that it's going to be sold more. But what I say is this; 

How many of those Android users are actually buying their phone BECAUSE it was Android on it? How many of those Android users even care? Many, many people buy a phone because it looks nice, many people have very little knowledge of phone software and simply buy a phone because they NEED one. I suppose the same could be said about those who buy IPhones, however, you have to selectively choose an IPhone for the IOS software, if you choose an IPhone, you choose an IPhone, sure, many IPhone users may not be technology savvy, but they've still specificially chose an "IPhone" rather than just choosing a phone which happens to come with Android pre-installed. 

Personally. I own an IPhone. I've used Android phones and whilst they are good in their own way, the feel, look and usability of an IPhone suits me more than an Android phone does, so lets all get together, have a big hug and stop arguing with and hating on people just because of a phone they happen to own. There are bigger problems in the world, miserable bus drivers, for instance.

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No Milk Tonight

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Saturday, September 1 2012

I don't know about everyone else, but before going to bed I look to do the exact same things in the exact same order, maybe this is a form of OCD, perhaps it's just good bedtime routine, I suppose without talking to a professional sleep psychologist we'll never know!

Anyway, I go through various different steps before I'm ready for bed, some normal, some perhaps not so normal. Here's my routine.

1) Get undressed, temperature dictating what I wear

2) Brush Teeth, I like to brush my teeth for at least 2-3 minutes, mainly because when I do so I sit on the edge of the bath, and brushing for a shorter period of time would make this action very inconvienient. 

3) Go downstairs and grab a glass of milk, I should add, by this point I have a dressing gown on, on a hot day, wondering downstairs naked might shock some of my family members, the glass of milk before bed is something I have done since I was a young child, I'll bring the glass up with me and slowly drink the milk through the following steps

4) Go on my laptop, check emails, post a picture of that evenings dinner to Facebook before turning off the laptop and getting into bed

5) I grab my IPhone and check to see whether any comments have been placed on the photo of my dinner, I play around with it for a while, and then put it back down

6) If I'm still awake, I'll re-check Facebook and have another play around, the milk is gone by this point

7) If I'm still awake, I'll plug in my headphones and listen to The Ricky Gervais Show, for some reason, those podcasts help me sleep when they're not producing side splitting laughter.

8) If I'm still awake, I do the classic tossing and turning while making the noise "arhhhhh" 

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the general idea by now. Of course, steps 6-8 are optional and dependent on whether I manage to fall to sleep straight away or not, though as is often the case, these steps are used. Unfortunately, tonight I have no milk, we've run out. I noticed this at just gone 1AM, far too late to go out and buy some milk, just for a simple glass. I think rushing to Tesco for a bottle of milk would look highly suspictious to the checkout worker, they'd probably question my motives of such an odd midnight snack, I would then be forced to explain my entire bedtime routine to them and I just don't have time to do that, but, if they really want to know, reading this blog article should quench their thirst for knowledge of my bedtime routine.

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Giving Human Food to Dogs

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Tuesday, August 28 2012

THEY say a dog is a mans best friend, a companion, a protector. So why do we put their health as risk by feeding them food unfit for dog consumption?

My family are perhaps the worst for doing this, but I expect dog owners all over the world do exactly the same thing, I am of course talking about the "doggy bag". You go to a restaurant and order a lovely meal, you eat as much as you can but you're absolutely stuffed and there's some left overs, instead of leaving it on the plate and allowing it to be thrown in the bin, where it should go, it's scooped up by the dogs owner and later fed to said dog. Why?

Dogs have their own food, their own healthy food. Dogs do not need to eat food produced for humans, it not only makes the dog fat which leads to joint problems among other things later in its life, but it also makes them expectant for human food, causing them to buzz around the table at tea time, causing them to lack any real discipline and more importantly can cause toxic reactions within their bodies making them ill.

The message is, stop feeding your dog human food, after all, you wouldn't eat dog food, would you?

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Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith

I'm the type of guy that absolutely loves to moan about things, things that a large majority of people simply overlook wind me up and there's nothing better than letting off steam by forcing overs to listen to me moan.

I'm also fairly good at advice, ironically. If you're a guy and need some tips with the ladies, this is the place, I plan to give a male perspective on dating whilst throwing in a few whingy blog posts for good measure.


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