I like facebook...I can keep up to date with the younger members of my family...I know within hours when a new baby is born - yes I do!!

And that wonderful event happened today - and we are blessed with a new baby girl joining the family - and I saw pictures of her on facebook literally within 2 hours of her being born!!  As soon as I saw the picture I called my sister (the proud nanny) to check if I had got hold of the right end of the stick - after all the little one wasn't due for 3 weeks...and my sister confirmed this was the new family member!! Congrats to Joanna, Andy and of course my sister and her hubby too...another little grand child to cuddle.

And hopefully later today I will see an update from my son who lives in London and who has moved into a new posh flat in a lovely area close to Highgate Cemetery - an area he loves. All these little family updates I can get within hours, within minutes sometimes and it gives me a feeling that all is well with the world ...well at least all is well with my small part of it.

But the facebook phenomenon is not all good...so batton down your ears for a bit of a rant!!

I was reading a thread where person A was complaining about person B. From reading it became clear that person B did not want to co-operate with a request made by person A. Lots of friends who knew person A had joined the thread to add their words of wisdom and support...often finishing their comment with the phrase 'love and light'....ahhhh!!

But there was nothing 'love and light' about the comments...they were full of nasty (for nasty read vitriolic) remarks about person B. Person B had wisely decided not to defend their decision (a deciision which they were perfectly entitled to make) or their reputation.

So - here is the rant....if folk are proclaiming 'love and light'...why do they not get it!!

That you don't just use the words to bring 'love and light' into the world - that unless you take the concept into your own heart and life then they are just pretty words and pretty meaningless words at that.

Oh and by the way...karma is not punishment or retribution but simply an extended expression or consequence of natural acts....it is not going to turn round and bite person B, or any other person, in the bum as person A and friends seem to hope it would.

Ok guys rant over....love and light :)

Hi there y'all....as I have spent a little time today putting together notes from a discussion group that was held yesterday...I thought why change anything? After all if you are reading this you will  understand the fairly simple concepts contained within my notes. So here they are - un-edited. A summary of a discussion between a range of complementary practitioners and therapists of differing persuasions. I hope you may find some of it useful. If you would like to join this monthly discussion group please do get in touch.

Little note about the my notes: I hope nobody will be offended by these points of views - the notes are the result of discussion between a small group of people with different viewpoints - and may not represent your own views - and that is fine.

Subject: Closure on blaming yourself.

There were several examples of ‘blaming self’ discussed: Looking back and blaming self for something that in hindsight was appreciated as a regrettable choice of response to another person (example: saying something unkind to somebody), blaming self or other person for something that another person did that affected you (example: father left home), blaming self for something which was totally outside your control (example: being born and subsequent illness of mother). There were many examples. On a wider level we live in a society which uses blame a lot – it is not uncommon to read in newspapers that Mr/s X has been found guilty of this or that crime - and in our civilised society there is a need to protect others from those who would do ‘bad’ things (hurt, steal, etc.) by imprisoning or confining those found guilty of crime – to punish the guilty person but with the hope that the person can be rehabilitated.

Blaming Who?: The group explored ‘blame’, that is blaming one-self for something regretted or blaming others for a perceived wrong, and concluded that ‘blame’ serves no good purpose in itself – having said that some people find it easier to ‘move on’ with their life if they can lay the blame for specific problems on somebody else when you firmly believe this other person was responsible for what went wrong (although this idea may not align well with many spiritual or higher thought teachings). What was very clear is that on a personal level it is just as physically and emotionally harmful to self to carry with you blame for others for perceived wrong doing as it is to carry with you blame of self for having done/said something in the past that was now regretted.

Seeking Closure: This is about finding closure for ourselves from carrying the weight of blaming ourselves, or others, and there were a number of useful ways to do this. But – first must come the realisation that there is really no good reason to hold onto blame because it can only do physical and emotional damage to self in the long term and whilst it occupies your mind it reduces your ability to think in a rational and optimum way. However coming to this realisation is perhaps only the first step…knowing how to deal with the realisation is the next step and there are many ways to take this next step.

Beliefs and Secondary gain: To gain a wider understanding of Guilt and Blame it is worth exploring how holding on to blame (of self) can often support or underpin other beliefs. So for example you might believe you were to blame for your parents splitting up - as children often do because they hear arguments between parents which are about them. From this self blame (taken on often quite sub consciously) the child may have taken the further belief that they are intrinsically a bad and unlovable person and that is why their mother or father left the household. It is also worth exploring if there is a secondary gain from attributing blame to another … in other words by blaming the other person it may support the belief that you are a ‘victim’. If this is a belief you hold about yourself you will find more and more evidence to support this in all areas in your life.

Talking therapy: One way to deal with anger and guilt is by using various NLP techniques which are commonly used to help deal with negative emotions.  One technique allows the practitioner to take the client back to revisit the event using a ‘timeline’ process…although revisited, the process allows the client to experience the event in a disassociated state so that the negative emotional experience is not revisited in its full strength. When revisited via ‘timeline’ the client can bring to the original experience a new and more enlightened understanding of what happened and as this is assimilated into the event the process makes space for negative emotions to be ’let go’ and the new learning and understanding is allowed to integrate from that point in time to the current moment and even future paced – and thus allows the client to find resolution. There are a number of NLP processes to help with anger, guilt, sadness, secondary gain, etc. but these will generally need the help of an NLP Practititoner. There are also other talking therapies which can help with this issue.

Write it down: Some people have found that by writing down the reasons why you blame another person for hurting you…writing it down in detail and holding no punches…this can help to externalise it and stops it rattling round inside your head. The written letter can be sent to the blamed one…but sometimes the process of writing it down is enough and sending the letter is not necessary. If you decide to confront the blamed one with their ‘mistake’ either by writing to them or face to face – that person will often deny their part in the situation in an attempt to protect themselves from feeling guilty about hurting you or another person. It is worth bearing in mind that confrontational conversations do not often get the desired result. It should also be noted that we mostly all operate from a point of justification for our actions.

Understanding the big picture: This is a method used to allow forgiveness of self or others. Forgiving another, or self, comes from having a fuller or deeper understanding of the history and true motives and thus a kinder view of why we/he did what we/he did. The belief is ‘If I understand more about why I/he behaved that way, what my/his personal history is, what my/his particular struggles are, then I will "understand," and then I can forgive me/him.

Responsible but not accountable: Looking at the issue of blame in a more spiritual, or higher thought, way one could understand that although you may have done or said something which you later regretted (was responsible for) – that in fact you were only responsible for what you said or did, not any possible repercussions (therefore are not accountable) for this. From taking responsibility for ones actions one can draw the lesson to prevent doing this thing again. However, in the same way that you would take responsibility for your actions the other person is responsible for their own actions and it is for them to find their lesson when they are ready to accept their responsibility.This will happen when they are ready...but perhaps not when it suits you.

Summary: It is the ‘human condition’ that we blame others for perceived wrongs…mostly without seeing our part in the whole scenario…further to this we may even project onto others our own guilt. To see past the ‘human condition’ requires meditation and insight and perhaps a teacher to guide you. There are many spiritual awareness courses and if an individual is seeking for a spiritually aware understanding of the ‘human condition’ which includes a deeper insight into guilt and blame and everything to do with humanity it is worth finding a teacher whose message resonates with you. Some of these more abstract teachings about blame and guilt can be found here: http://www.circleofa.org/articles/ForgivenessFallacies.php#.T1jPlBNwsPg.mailto. These teachings do not necessarily represent the thoughts of all our discussion group however we did explore these concepts and so they are placed here as a record of fact.

More about the discussion group can be found here http://www.jumpingmouse.org.uk/unstickyourself.html

If you would like to talk to a therapist or practitioner for help with any aspect please do get in touch and I can point you towards the therapist or practitioner that may be most suitable for you.

Following on from my last post...more thoughts on talking and why we should do more of it.

I was talking to a therapist friend of mine (Pauline, she does birthday charts) - we were just catching up with each other...nothing specific just general chit chat about our lives and how we learn and grow. And I said, in passing that sometimes I feel a little 'stuck'....I suppose a good example is that I stopped posting blogs here for a while because I got bogged down in a hundred other things all of which seemed to take priority at the time and and before I knew it so much time has passed.

Let me say here that we are both therapists and we both help clients with 'getting stuck' problems regularly and further to that we both have a different way of dealing with 'getting stuck'...I will use a blend of NLP and Hypnosis  and Pauline would use her Astrology understanding to work with clients. But at this point in the conversation we were only chatting and not seriously addressing anything in particular. It was just one of those nice round and round, not going anywhere in particular, conversations you can have with your close friends whilst drinking coffee, leaning back in the chair, enjoying the warm respite from the freezing cold wind outside.

Pauline surprised at my 'getting stuck' problem started to explore what 'getting stuck' was like for me because it was her observation that I seemed to have boundless energy and that I am always busy. And that is true, I am always busy .. the old adage about 'if you want something done ask a busy person' has meant that I have half a dozen projects on the go at any one time.

So - to further explain what 'getting stuck' meant I resorted to using imagery and said "I feel as if I am like lightening, always 'alive', always moving around, sometimes unpredictable but striking here and there in a difused and random way". And then I had one of those 'Ah Ha!' moments.

The 'Ah Ha'  was the reminder that for me metaphor and imagery is a great way to work at a conscious and unconscious level to deal with issues like 'getting stuck'...metaphor is so good at bypassing the literal and conscious thinking that most of us apply to our own problems. And there was also the realisation that although it had not been our intention to talk about problems and issues affecting us that just talking conversationally had allowed this particular issue to surface on its own. And that by just gently probing it, without even trying to resolve it I had reminded myself of a good method for exploring and working on my own issues.

There was another realisation, which goes back to my earlier post, about how good it is to talk to like minded friends because they can often bring a totally new perspecive and if you can look at something in a new light and perhaps change what you are doing you can avoid another well known cliche..'if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got'.

Taking this further I thought it would also be useful for practitioners and therapists, who often work alone, who might find some benefit in sitting down with a bunch of like minded colleagues and friends to explore problems and issues we have in common...problems like lack of confidence, or sadness, or isolation...and so many other problems that we experience sooner or later. And with that thought in mind I have started a monthly informal discussion group for practitioners and therapists (and a friend). If you want to join this group please do check out here to find if it meets your needs too.

I think that means my list of 'things to do' has increased by 1 :)

A year since I last posted and I am wondering where the time went. I was really getting into the swing of writing as ideas occurred to me, and enjoying the process of putting thoughts into words...and then I just lost focus for whatever reason. But as I was walking through cold wet Folkestone today and passed my friend Rachal (she sells all the lovely incense sticks, burners and other wonderfully evocotive items on her Saturday market stall) - I stopped for a chat.

Rachal was happy to stand and  listen to me chat on about a hundred different topics whilst she sold to her regular custumers and passers by. And I realised I was using poor Rachal to download several months worth of thoughts all jumbled up.

During our chat we covered just about everything from: goats cheese and red onion tarts made by Nick Todd and available in Googies and what an absolute culinary delight they are, spiritual teaching and my inability to articulate what that means in my life, psychic healing and psychic events that I am producing this year, creams and potions that do not contain lanolin (lanolin makes my skin fall off), relationships and how strange and frightening they can be, trust and what a wonderful thing it is when you find it, mind, body and spirit events I will produce which may also give an opportunity for local practitioners to showcase themselves, serendipity ...well I just like the word, management training and the potential to work with a German colleague in UK and Germany maybe, our children and their emotional needs, the weather..it was cold and wet and necessitated hot coffee drinking and blueberry muffin eating, discussion groups and how my new personal development support discussion group for therapists and practitioners is shaping up, psychotherapy and psychotherapists who despite being wonderful at helping folk with problems have their own journey of inner learning (as do we all), well made wooden toys and the potential online market for them, weddings (Zac and Heather are getting married...yayyy)....and by the time I had paused for breath Rachal had decided that due to the rain it was time to pack up and go home (she said it was the weather anyway). She didn't complain once about my barrage of words and disconnected ideas and offered to visit me in the week to give me a much needed head, shoulder and neck massage.

After our 'short' chat...I realised that it would be far kinder and easier on Rachals ears if I just started to write again...so here I am and I will start to regale your eyeballs and brain cells with new thoughts from the chaos inside my head.

For now though..I just want to say that in my opinion we do not talk enough - OK I perhaps overdid it this time so I take that point but for Rachal to spend the time listening to me was a wonderful gift of her time and patience and allowed me to sound out some thoughts on a number of significant things happening in my life.Just getting the words and ideas out there instead of occuping my headspace calmed me down.

Ok, I have done enough talking for one day...I am going to give myself the silent treatment now and will not be talking for 6 hours (easy to do actually because I am on my own this evening lol). I will soon be back with more words though..so until then bfn.

Information about Practitioners and Therapist Personal Development Support Discussion group 'Unstick Yourself' can be found here.

If you would like to know more about the above free and informal discussion group - with no obligation - please sign up here .

We may still not be sure what the Big Society means to us in our everyday lives - but some of our local businesses didn't sit wondering about this and together they made a real difference to homeless people in Folkestone throughout what has been an usually severe winter.

Way back in early December - at the start of the bad weather - it didn't take Di and Louie Burns long to start planning a series of events to raise the focus of the plight of the homeless so that people could donate items of warm clothing (gloves, coats, etc) and raise funds which would go directly to some of the homeless shelters in Folkestone.

If you don't know Di and Louie - you may know the local phenomenon known as Bluesky Pie [ http://www.blueskypie.co.uk ] whose tagline 'Regeneration and empowerment in communities through music' says it all.

On 10^th December Bluesky Pie staged two gigs, one at Googies Art Cafe and the other at Homeground – featuring comedy, musicians, rappers...all coming to play and give their time for free!! Raffles were run at both venues with goods donated from as far afield as Liverpool. With Googies and Homeground donating 10% of their bar takings and TESS donating his fee for playing at Homeground – together they raised a grand total of £575 for the Winter Shelter run by the 7 churches of Folkestone.

Louie Burns also created a film to raise awareness for the Folkestone homeless cause and to make people more sympathetic to those that find themselves on the streets, often through no fault of their own.

Colin the manager of the shelter had said that funding would run out mid February so to keep the shelter open Di and Louie decided to do more fundraising events. One in Stones featuring rock bands and local hip hop artists followed by 4 DJ’s who all played and performed for free. There was also an acoustic chilled out night in Googies featuring some wonderful performers and musicians who again performed for free. Googies has continued to fundraise between the last gig and now with Keith Holland handing over more monies that customers of Googies have donated since December 10^th.  Alongside this there was an appeal for toothpaste, flannels, food items, scarves  etc.  – all for the Rainbow Centre for the homeless and those in need. All of these events, activities and fundraising brilliantly co-ordinated by Bluesky Pie.

Di Burns said:

“To borrow a phrase from Tesco, 'Every little helps' and we feel privileged to know such lovely talented people who will play for free for such a worthwhile cause, in fact we were inundated with performers all willing to give of their time and felt that the homeless were a very worthy cause to raise funds for which shows the tremendous community spirit here in Folkestone, we feel we're just facilitators.”

I have said before that there is something magic about this part of Folkestone .. because there is definitely something very good going on down there - and with Bluesky Pies help the magic may just spread much further. 

Di Burns tells us a little more about Bluesky Pie:

The ethos behind Bluesky Pie is that little acts of random kindness can change the world. We reached a mid life crisis nearly two years ago where we realized we were giving nothing back into the community. We resolved to change this and started to do things for others, first staging a gig for Amnesty International and Greenpeace, we found a plethora of highly skilled musicians and bands who had nowhere to play. We started to put gigs on, maintaining a spirit of love. We started What's on Folkestone as we were sick of missing high quality gigs and events that no one knew were on, and were brilliant. Our idea behind that was to actively promote and share everyones events so that no one felt excluded.

We have tried to show people how incredible and amazing they are by offering them mentoring gigs, putting them on at small intimate venues and building confidence then by making the venues larger. We also have volunteers working in film, stage management, photography who work for free to get valuable experience in the industry. Many of the people that we have helped have then gone on to make a career,  got more confidence and started to put their own gigs on.

It has had an incredible impact on the local community with people joining together and making alliances when they didn't know each other before. Networking is a big key to this, this results in a more cohesive community that actively support each others events.

As a non for profit company we don't make any money from what we do, but we get enormous satisfaction from knowing that a random act of kindness we may have shown has then spread like a ripple effect on a pond to reach so many others.

It also acts in the law of attraction, through what we have done has brought like minded people to us like the charity 'Last night a DJ saved my life' who are of the same ethos as us but work in the global community, things just seem to be getting bigger and better bit like a snowball effect through a little effort of our own. It is a really happy place to be. =)

Bluesky Pie  | Googies Art Cafe | Homeground | Whats On Folkestone (FB)

Thursday midday and a quick dash from my consulting rooms in West Cliff Gardens to Googies in Rendezvous Street during a freezing cold shower of rain meant that I scurried passed the Johnny Cotter Gallery.....Wow what is happening there?....but it was very cold and wet so I rushed quickly passed and straight into Googies without stopping to watch.

The hot bacon and lentil soup with cheese on toast was delish and warmed me up whilst I chatted to Keith about Dandes (real name Dan Desborough but also known as Desbo and Dandes) and the coming DJ stint he will be doing tonight (Friday) at Googies – or as Dan puts it “Filthy Electro House, D&B and Dubstep night with Desbo rocking the place!.

Scurrying back to my office this time via St Eanswythes Church gave me a second chance to see what was happening at Johnny Cotters Gallery - there is a huge, and I mean HUGE, piece of artwork hung over the gallery - an image of David Beckham on a cross – it will certainly stop you in your tracks and is a must see.

So – this morning whilst drinking my morning cuppa and wondering why I have linked these things together…and then I realise and rushed to find my purse to see if 'it' is still there. In my purse I found the crumpled bit of paper bearing a quote which inspires me – I have carried this quote around with me for more than 15 years, occasionally renewing the bit of paper when it falls to bits with age.

The picture over the gallery is huge….there is no missing it as you go past the gallery it will stop you in your tracks - an inspired image in more ways than one…and then there is Dan who never does anything by halves…a talented local photographer but with enough enthusiasm for 2 people and always more than happy to try his hand to new skills especially if there is some fun to be had.

Success is about commitment – it is not about faffing around the edges – it is about jumping right in, all guns blazing, believing in what you are doing and doing it BIG. Which brings me so nicely to the contents of my crumpled bit of paper:

“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never other wise have occurred”

"There is great excitement as well as fear in the unknown if you have the courage to open up to it. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now!”

Quote by Goethe, Philosopher and Poet

I was lucky enough to be invited to the informal opening of a new Gallery in the recently vacated Shoe Studio premises in Rendezvous Street by local artist, and friend, Johnny Cotter.

I arrived about 7.30pm as always not quite sure if I had got the right day/month/lifetime but could see as I walked up to the gallery that the place was already filled with people checking out the art and discussing the merits of various pieces - one in particular that caught our attention was a picture of David Beckham in his distinctive red shirt - on a crucifix.

There were lots of knowledgeable looking people having serious arty discussions and, thank goodness, some mutual friends to say hello and chat to and I wandered round the gallery, downstairs and then upstairs looking at the various pieces but careful not to display my ignorance too much by getting involved in any of the serious conversations. The exhibition of modern contemporary work mostly by Johnny Cotter himself is full of colour and humour - and even with my lack of arty credentials I found myself warming to many of the pieces and I noted that there was already a 'sold' sign on the David Beckham 'let me listen to me and not them' piece downstairs (bought by DJ and singer, Boy George).

The price tags were very affordable by any standards and I could imagine virtually all of the pieces displayed making a real visual statement in terms of colour, design and humour on most living room walls. And when I have some living room walls again (my downstairs is currently a work in progress with internal walls removed) I have promised myself another visit to the JohnnyCotter Gallery in Rendezvous Street to make my own purchase. Then, proudly carrying my chosen piece and feeling very cultured I will skip the 20 yards or so distance to Googies Art Café where I can relax and drink the best coffee in town whilst I show Keith, Laura, Sue, Steve, and anybody else who looks in my direction, my arty acquisition.

Note: Coming soon to the new Gallery is an exhibition entitled 'Inferential Grin’. (an anagram of triennial fringe). This will feature a collection of art work by 11 local artists and will be part of the triennial fringe event. Artists who would like to have their work (sculptures, 3-D works, paintings and 2-D pieces) on display should contact Johnny Cotter directly by 3rd December latest.

http://www.johnnycotter.com

http://folkestonetriennial.org.uk/

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I popped down to Rendezvous Street today (Wed) for a much need coffee and BLT from Googies - and a chance to meet up with friends and read my book - and in popped Johnny Cotter who had read my KentOnLine blog. Noting my comments about lack of artistic understanding he has kindly offered to personally show me round the gallery and tell me something about each piece. What a lovely offer and one too good to miss. Johnny also said in passing that the gallery has gotten off to the brilliant start. He is already having to put new pieces up as ones on display are sold. From today the big canvas with David Beckham on a crucifix will also be hanging out front - that should stop folk in their tracks.

I haven’t posted for a week or so…..I know I had it in mind to post something about either ‘judgement’ or ‘encouragement’…because both these themes seemed to be vying for my attention way back then…but the moment passed.

As an NLP/Hypnotherapist working with clients on diverse problems I sometimes come across folk who seem to spend lots of time looking back and going over and over ‘what went wrong’ or ‘how it used to be’ or even 'why me?' -  constantly reviewing any one of the hundreds of unhappy things that have happened in their lives up to that point.

It is as if by going over and over a past incident they might be able to unlock the mystery of what really happened - or, as may be the case, how it was someone else’s fault and not their own that something happened.

It is fair to say that with any event that happens to us, good or bad, there will be learning to be had…we may have lost our temper when criticised or we may have been a little quick to blame somebody else. So going back over these events is an opportunity to learn how we can do things better in future or at least avoid some of the more painful situations.  And if this is what you do I suggest you wait a while until the dust settles before you revisit an emotionally charged memory because things really do become clearer with time. But once that learning has been gained it is probably best to file that memory away in some nice dusty filing cabinet in the subconscious and get on with life as it is now.

That’s how things would happen if we were all perfect beings….and I suppose if we were all perfect beings we wouldn’t make mistakes in the first place…but of course we are not perfect beings and sometimes we get stuck in reviewing past events – especially the emotionally charged ones. And when we get stuck we tend to go round and round in endless loops of sadness, despair, unhappiness, anger and pain…which can in turn leave us feeling  tired, depressed perhaps losing sleep and other self-hurting strategies.

So – what’s the answer? Don’t let it get so bad that you start to lose sleep. Adopt this simple strategy to deal with negative thought patterns: 1) learn to recognise the negative thought pattern which has become a habit and as soon as you recognise it find a way to interrupt it. Do some house work or go for a brisk walk and make sure that you are looking up as you walk and not down to the ground, call your daughter or son on the phone and ask her/him about her/his day and get interested in what s/he is saying…do whatever it takes to stop the negative thought pattern, and importantly 3) tell yourself that without any effort - all will become clear in the fullness of time. Because it will you know. So you might as well let yourself off the hook now and the learning will come in a gentle way when you are ready for it.

If this strategy fails ask for help - if you have a friendly and listening GP you can seek medical help. There are also a number of complementary therapists who can help you and it is a good idea to talk to different types of therapists to find out what their approach is. Find the approach that makes sense to you.  It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help – it takes strength to ask for help.

http://www.jumpingmouse.org.uk/complementaryhealth.html

A recurring theme with me this week is how we, as individuals, recall incidents or events in our life. This theme has jumped out at me when working with clients, whilst attending a recent parish council meeting, when talking to colleagues and following yesterdays inspirational breaking news about the Chile miners being brought back up to the surface - through to the final miner being brought up in the early hours of this morning.

On a personal level - something happens in our lives - perhaps a close family member dies unexpectedly or there is a divorce in the family and we get through it one way or another - as do others who share our lives. But 24 hours later, a week later, a year later if you ask the individuals who shared that experience what happened each person would have a different story to tell. A child would perhaps tell you they felt frightened and didn’t know what was happening – and perhaps thought they had done something wrong.

In the example of a recent parish council meeting I attended – we considered implementing a traffic calming solution on the stretch of A259 between Sandgate and Hythe. One group of councillors emotionally argued the case to implement a solution saying that residents wanted this. Another group of councillors argued, using statistical evidence and the results of a resident straw poll that the solution would actually increase risk of accident. Both groups stood their corner and truly believed they were right.

And this morning I returned to the video I had been watching most of yesterday to see the final Chile minor returned to the surface and the resultant celebrations across the world at this triumph – and could not fail to be touched by the emotion of the situation. And I wondered how the Chile minors would remember their 70 day ordeal in a deep black hole under the ground.

So where is the link?...for me the commonality is how we, as individuals, turn these life events into ‘our story’ and as time passes the memory of these incidents becomes an ‘abridged’ version of the actual event – perhaps just including the highlights and lowlights and leaving out much of the seemingly minor detail.

For a child remembering a divorce they may only remember their mother or father crying or upset, the raised voices at night, going to school not knowing what was happening. For the councillors they may only remember the feeling of frustration at not being able to make the points which they felt so strongly about, for the Chile minors ….. well we can only guess at what memories they will be left with – but along with the fear and horror perhaps they may also recall the camaraderie as they organised themselves for survival?

Where is all this going…for me the learning is to always remember that whatever you are going through is true for you…but that others who are going through the same experience will have their own ‘truth’. If children are part of the experience it is so important to tell them what is happening (but not allocate blame), to give them time to ask questions and to say what they are feeling. For the councillors – we would do well to remember that we are all on the same side – we all want the best for our residents and it should not be a 'I win/you lose' situation. If the right solution is agreed then we all win. If you are ‘at war’ with your life partner – remember that although it may feel as if you are in the right (aren’t we always in the right?) the other person may feel they are in the right too - and somewhere between is the truth.

There are always 3 parts to any story ‘mine, yours and the truth’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another little thought on this....hmmmm.....it is the story we tell ourselves that is important to us and we hold it so close that it obscures what is really going on. If we continually tell the story about our lives as if we are the 'victim' in the story then we will continue to live our lives with lots of stories about how we are 'wronged - in fact we will seek out evidence to support that. But where is the learning in that?

If we try to step into the shoes of the other party...we can begin to understand a little more about why that person is being so 'awkward'...but if we then step into the third position (the position of an outsider watching) ...then perhaps we can see the truth. Sometimes, if the situation is painful we have to wait till the pain subside before we can do this.

http://www.jumpingmouse.org.uk/complementaryhealth.html

I had a real theme going yesterday - time after time small things happened during the day which had some relevance to each other and got me thinking about fear and how we deal with it.

But today is another day and 'Fear' will now take a back seat to allow 'Mood and Music' to come to the fore!!

Today, after chatting with friends about music and other delights (so many talented people hereabouts: Marty and The Higher State, Stew and TESS, Liam and The Soulignes to name a few) and whilst working on the design of a Discussion Group I am proposing to start - a pattern is emerging which has caught my attention.Friends were remarking on various pieces of music they love…and which artist was better than another artist (Joni Mitchell v Linda Perhacs) – I had to own up and say I wasn’t mad keen on Joni and had never heard of Linda – but they are clearly both good.

What came out of that conversation was that some of my friends recall the Joni Mitchell songs as being their favourites – but not necessarily because of style, artistic ability or any other good musical attribute…but because they associated that artists songs with a certain period in their life which is full of happy and meaningful memories. For me a couple of songs which take me right back to that time – when I could tell you how old I was, what I was wearing, exactly where I was in London, what the weather was like and even what I may have been eating at the time are ‘Summer in the City’ and ‘Good Vibrations’ – there are others…but I have probably already given away more than I am comfortable with (but I was only a child then).

And it occurred to me that music is vastly underused in therapeutic situations as being a way to access memories – and also, more importantly how incredibly useful music is to enhance or change mood. An elderly lady I know has for most of her adult life suffered from a severe mental disorder and her husband with his love of music has unknowingly been able to soothe or calm his wife such that it totally changes her mood from being extremely difficult to being calm and controlled and even happy.

And that is only one way to change mood – there is another, almost too obvious, way – by changing your physicality!! For example if you are feeling down, perhaps it is one of those days when you are just not your normal happy self. Probably the easier thing to do is to go for a walk - but as you are walking look up, not down. Changing what you are doing will change your mood. If you find yourself having to give a public speech and you start losing the plot – chances are you have started to look down. Look up and the ideas and words will start flowing again. It really is simpler than most people realise. OMG almost 6pm...I have a Development Control meeting to go to tonight....am bound to have some thoughts on that tomorrow. :)

The Soulignes: http://thesoulignes.co.uk/

Marty Ratcliffe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NaXrzGt8BA

The Higher State: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgPbcVmLW7A&feature=related

Stewart Hollyhead - TESS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoEGJBarq-0