COPING without the Olympics has been difficult.
Monday was depressing. I awoke with an ennui that consumed my face. I had a coffee, smoked a cigarette and sighed.
I stared out into the garden and wondered what life was like before the Olympics.
Who was I? What did I do? What shoe size am I?
By the end of Monday I had an airbed on the living room floor and I was curled in a ball.
The One Show was back on and so was EastEnders. The red button just told me I could look at the weather. I’d forgotten we still lived in a world where Kim Kardashian’s arse was important.
By Tuesday, acceptance had crept in. I knew who I was and what shoes to buy. A trip to Asda to buy some microwave burgers made things better.
So I was extremely grateful to see the Great British Bake Off was back on BBC2 and suddenly everything was normal again.
Despite no cutaway featuring a squirrel’s testicles, the show was exactly the same as last year. Apart from the contestants and the cakes they were making, obviously.
There was also the long-awaited return of Mary Berry and her "soggy bottom" catchphrase. It's really one of the highlights.
I have already fallen in love with contestant Cathryn who I want to win the whole thing and be star baker every week and my wife.
Next week is all about “bread” which is only the second time bread has excited me - the first being the discovery of a thicker pre-sliced bread, one up from the “toasty” variety. I recommend bacon, lettuce and tomato in bread such as this.
Straight after Great British Bake Off I saw a man in a dress and wig drinking in a bar.
I wondered if it was Sean Bean for several minutes before agreeing with myself that it was indeed ol’ Sharpe himself, dressed as a woman and wearing a wig on BBC1.
“Accused” told the story of Sean Bean - known as both Simon and Tracie - who preferred life as a woman.
Some bloke called Tony, who had a wife called Karen, fancied Sean Tracie Bean and then had some sex with Sean Tracie Bean before Tony’s wife Karen found out and Tony couldn’t handle telling her the truth.
Not really wishing her to know about all the sex with Sean Tracie Bean, Tony killed Karen. Fair play mate, I mean, what else ya gonna do eh?
He put Karen in the boot of his car, picked Sean Tracie Bean up, said they'd go and have magical sex in a rainbow forest, drove to a river and then admitted to Sean Tracie Bean that he’d killed Karen and needed a bit of help dumping the body.
Poor Sean Tracie Simon Bean, I thought. That's a passioner killer right there.
Fortunately I still had a microwave burger which was the only thing to do after 60 minutes of feeling tense because bloody Tony wouldn't tell the police Sean Tracie Bean had nothing to do with it. He really was a shit.
There's another one next week about Tina, a mother-of-three, who works at a juvenile detention centre.
I fear Mary Berry's catchphrase will be ripe throughout.