One of the hazards of writing a purely comedy inspired blog is that sometimes the funny all dries up. I realise, given the content of my previous posts and my ability to attract slapstick like a moth to a flame, that seems impossible but I really am currently sitting here wailing “somebody do something funny!” How is it that I haven’t done anything absurdly stupid in a while? Have I learnt caution? Doubtful. Something is wrong in the universe Watson and I’m determined to sniff out the “fishy” by Jove! Perhaps what I should do whilst I await my next calamity is go out and make funny happen to myself or others. Which of the following would generate the most comedy value:

1)      Whilst driving my Dad to a Dr’s appointment I do my best rally car driver impression: driving at high velocity round precarious bends yelling “Yee HAW” whilst Dad’s knuckles turn white with the vice like grip of the dash board. Dad does his best impression of “The Scream” – he’s hoarse from, well, all the screaming – then faints in pure terror.

2)      I decide to take my dear little bumper car through the car wash: sounds innocuous enough but, you forget, dear readers I am due a little mishap. Things that could go wrong/comedy gold on offer at the car wash (and the reason I have always been too scared to go through one) are as follows –

a.       My recently “Auto Glass-ed” window pops again causing me to weep and wail like a banshee and make me incapable of  moving my car: the nice boys in the petrol garage have to come and move it for me muttering “I thought women liked fairy sounds” and proclaiming that this would never happen to a male driver

b.      My roof is torn away from the body of the car exposing my head to the big washer thingies. My hair gets tangled up in said washy thingies and is torn from my head. Or: my head won’t give up my hair and my head is pulled from my body. The end.

c.       The car wash fills with limitless water and then breaks down. I have to live in said car wash for all eternity. I evolve to an amphibious life: I now have webbed feet and scales.

3)      I go for a smaller, noisier target: I throw large sticks so accurately that they get wedged in the spokes of the bikes that small children are riding up and down the street on. They are pretending to be motorbikes. Broom, Broom indeed children.

4)      I get arrested for what the police term “manslaughter” when one of the kiddies is killed. I then:

a.       Plead diminished responsibility – “my blog followers made me do it, your honour”– they believe that I am psychologically disturbed and lead me to my padded cell in a straight jacket

b.      Am sentenced to a life living in a car wash (see point 2. A)

c.       Am sent to prison where I acquire a questionable room mate…

d.      Am found not guilty: clearly children pretending to be a motorcycle is a fraudulent act therefore I was simply doing my civic duty. I will then get a magazine deal to sell my story “I just did what anyone would have done” and rise to stardom overnight

Vote now!

Turn your back for one moment and something always happens at Medway Council.

The latest is an extraordinary announcement that it is publishing a webpage giving its answers to media questions.

It follows a disagreement with both the Medway Messenger and BBC South East over their reporting of the concerns raised by Jack Hope, a resident of the Isle of Grain. He has been mounting a vitriolic campaign against virtually everyone in authority (councillors, National Grid, MPs et al) over the failure of the any of them to advise what is the escape plan if there is a catastrophe at the LNG terminal. There has to be a plan if (heaven forbid) if there is a massive fireball at the terminal, along the pipe which crosses under the only roadway out of the Isle or aboard one of the 130,000 tonnes-liquid gas carrying tankers which now regularly dock next door to the village. (It's a good site they chose, between the laden wrecks of the munition-carrier Robert Montgomery and the minelayer Princess Irene.)

You would think the residents would know what to do They don't.

It is because there is an issue of national security (so those in authority maintain).

What seems to have upset Medway Council's press baron, John Staples, is that no one has reported that Mr Hope is demanding that National Grid buys his property. It is now blighted by its overbearing neighbours presence - along with everyone else on the tip of the Hoo peninsula.

The real issue is whether residents are safe living at the end of the A228 when they have millions of tonnes of gas stored in a near-frozen compressed state at the end of their gardens.

Mr Staples is a former reporter. He lives an uncomfortable life trying to balance the politicial pressures, officers; defensiveness and the ferrety inquisitiveness of the local media. I should know: I've done the same job.

What his decision means (and I suspect there are at least two politicians pushing this move) is that the confidentiality of press enquiries is going to be blown apart.

Let me explain the system employed by Mr Staples and his team.

A reporter phones in with a simple query. Let's say I ask: "How many staff does Medway Council employ?"

Mr Staples emails a query to HR with a deadline for a response, and asks the same question.

Someone in the HR department then responds. Let's say the answer is: "There are 8,000 full time and 2,200 part-time staff employed by the council."

An email is then sent to the reporter saying "Alan Watkins has asked how many staff does Medway Council employ. The answer is 8,000 full time and 2,200 part-time staff are employed by the council."

That simple enquiry will now find itself on the web. It won't mean very much to the general public. It might, however, mean something to a rival newspaper, broadcaster or whatever.

Mr Staples' bosses have really stirred an explosive mixture.

Their annoyance (did someone suggest petulance?) has led to the unprecedented step of revealing to other journalists what lines of investigation other reporters are following.

That's fine with innocuous enquiries (not that the general public will be interested). But what if it is asking about the asbestos crisis that is building in Medway's schools?

Would they have published the inquiries that I made a year ago when I first reported the spending and chaos that is the Woodlands School extension? I don't think so. They did everything they could to hide the answers I was seeking.

Would they have published the enquiry I made about asbestos examinations of more than 100 local schools? They strongly denied that there was any foundation in the story. In fact, the audit papers that were published earlier this month reveal that it was conducted in a three month spell, and that was a difficult target for the council to meet. But the council press office denied there was any foundation in the story.

Would they care to say how many council houses and flats have asbestos today, and what advice they have given their tenants?

Dogs eat dogs. When one of those hounds takes thousands of pounds of the money we lawful taxpayers reluctantly give them for their high salaries, shoddy schooling, tatty buildings and one-time pop stars he deserves to get bitten.

Medway Council should pull back - or expect a bit more than a bite.

The vultures are circling; the press is the enemy within. I will not regurgitate the allegations about the News of the World or the rumours surrounding other newspapers, this has been recycled for the last 72 hours; nor will articulate the political fallout – both David Cameron and Ed Miliband hired former News International employees (both have allegations about them). And Labour and Tories were both guests at a recent dinner party, hosted by Murdoch.

Instead, I wish to raise one point. The press in general. Limited reports are suggesting ordinary journalists are witnessing hostility from the public. Andrew Gilligan noted a wave of e-mails, criticising his work and abilities as a journalists, something he has never witnessed. According to Mr Gilligan he is not the only journalist to experience this.

McCarthyism-esque inquiries will damage our reputation as a democracy – a free press is fundamental to holding the government to account. Regulation on their abilities to conduct investigation journalism would be a disaster for Britain. Yes, the hacking scandal was immoral, but it was a failure of the criminal justice system. It was the Metropolitan Police which warned against a public inquiry and turned a blind eye to criminality at a variety of news papers.

Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. You might find the press irritating. But as Edmund Burke elegantly pointed out, the press are the fourth estate and the true guardians of liberty.

Since 23rd April 1661, the day Charles II became King and Monarchy was restored in England, have republicans felt ever so lonely. This will be quite the forlorn post filled with deep regret and sadness at the Royal Wedding.

I'm quite glad Kent has the lowest registered street parties tomorrow, thus my faith in humanity has been slightly restored, and we haven't gone over the top in plastic patriotism. The Union Flag (it is only called a 'Jack' when flown at sea) is a beautiful symbol and should be raised all the time, not just for the Monarchy.

But alas, Friday will be a depressing day for us republicans.

Tomorrow when the nations erupts into depressing exhilaration over the wedding, I shall ponder what Cromwell would've made of all this pomp and ceremony; as the Royal carriage passes his statue outside Parliament

I hear Jeremy Clarkson's had a bit of trouble with his garden fence; he should have creasoted it to be fair, then perhaps it wouldn't have fallen down so easily.  What a shame... poor Jeremy ¬_¬

A few weeks ago Mr 'Loophole' Nick Freeman, lawyer to the 'stars', opened a fab debate regarding raising the speed limit on the motorways.  I have a few choice words to say on this.  This man is nothing but a 4x4, A to B driving pen-pushing, armchair anarchist.  Mr Freeman needs to look up "Cery's Law" and read a little bit more into the carnage a particular footballer created after killing two little boys, leaving a family completely broken.

I've been reading about lorry drivers who have been killing cyclists 'because they didn't see them'.

I've collected frequent articles on dishonest driving instructors which really gets on my... big end.

I see Oxfordshire County Council have turned their speed cameras back on again after a rise in road deaths... (-silence- makes a change eh).

And I've been reading about head on collisions.

I hear Lewis Hamilton's brother Nicolas, made his debut motor-racing appearance at Brands Hatch this weekend to follow in his brother's footsteps and to prove again, disability does not have to hold you back from achieving anything.  Congratulations on 12th place in the AirAsia Renault Clio Cup, Team Nicolas.

I've YouTubed the first demo of the electric powered Rolls Royce.  Sorry guys, I know I'm a woman and I know you've spent a cartload of money on this thing but LMAO, ROFLMAO, LOL.  It'll go even more like the wind after the armour plated glass, doors and 'special' tyres are fitted.  Oh did I say wind, I meant a cool summer, net curtain breeze.  Nice try though but hey, what do I know; teach me.

In May, thanks to Kent RoSPA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents), I'm going out on a Saturday 2-10pm shift with Kent Traffic Police with my eyes and ears open and my gob shut, to have a most privileged driving lesson (no pressure guys and gals, none at all - we've all read the same book...).

Anyway, yes, I'm afraid I'm backkkkk.  The above just scratches and sniffs the surface; I have lots of things to write about, so many in fact that it's going to be difficult to choose where to start.

Watch this space...

SKY have once again made the headlines for the wrong reasons. The dynamic duo of Andy Gray and Richard Keys have been suspended for sexiest remarks regarding a female linesmen during the Wolves V Liverpool on Saturday. The pair made stereotypical, immature comments about women in football and their allege inability to understand the offside rule – which has been a running joke for many football related comedy sketches. For decades.

All the private remarks were recorded on a mobile phone, not SKY's sound equipment, and released to the media. Mr Gray and Keys thought they were having a private conversation, but these men passionately support modernisation of the game and probably should never of made those remarks in audience and vulnerability of being recorded. In other words, the two should know much better. For the record, I don't agree with their opinion. Players might respect female officials more because any abusive language, or behaviour, will face strict sanctions from the FA

However, I protest at several opinions and responses to this controversy. Especially the argument of “illegal” and “its offence to hold such thoughts.” That, ladies and gentlemen, is the basic premise to creating a thought police; prosecuting an individual for thinking. None of us our holier than thou and should never proclaim to be, but society should not impose a sense of morality or a mandate for legitimate conscious. It is violation of individual sovereignty to do so. There is a limit to political correctness.

When you start criminalising freedom of conscious and the ability to think, we start to slide into a very dark abyss. It might start off innocent in a moral crusade, but you could end up prosecuting individuals for political opinions. And that is the foundation of a totalitarian society.

Andy Gray and Richard Keys need to become more professional and less puerile. Not burned at the stake.

The Honourable Member for Thanet North, Roger Gale, has given a stark warning that the youngest MPs might depart from a career in politics due to the new expenses system causing "exceptional difficulties.”

Recent reports have given us bizarre insights into new MP's sleeping in their Westminster office, too scared to file a claim for a hotel room. “There are young members in Kent who are having exceptional difficulties and cashflow problems, partly because they’ve had to pay thousands of pounds for their offices and Ipsa is very slow at paying them back.“ said Gale and went on to complain that MPs had to take huge page cuts (from previous careers) to become an elected representative. Charlie Elphicke , newly elected MP for Dover, agrees with the assessment and fundamentally believes the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (IPSA) is too extreme. Almost punishing Members of Parliament. Some readers might even think that is justified.

Of course, the complaints are legitimate and worthy of serious consideration but MP's need to understand the anger felt by voters. The grotesque greed was so widespread that Parliament was becoming a kleptocratic state within its own right. I cannot foresee the IPSA become altered again – it would be highly unpopular and political suicide for the government to consider it. And I cannot see the public having any desire to pay Members of Parliament even more.

Roger Gale might be wise to live with the birth pains and the allow the new foundations to strengthen. Especially in this new age of austerity. Complaining about expenses and your entitlements might not be a voting winning.

We're expecting a decision very soon on the future of CCTV in Maidstone. The KM has campaigned against these proposals since we first got wind of them. Well to be truthful they aren't even proposals. What began as an approach from Medway council to take on the monitoring and management of Maidstone cameras has been fast-tracked through the decision-making process and is likely to bypass most councillors before cabinet member John A Wilson, yes one single councillor, says yes or no. There's been no robust discussion, or more importantly public debate, about this vital issue, which people involved in the service believe will harm our town and 'make it less safe'. The borough council will find out imminently how much is being cut from its government grant and will have to make some difficult decisions. The coalition government says that the grant reduction does not mean that frontline services should necessarily be affected and that councils should be intelligent about how they go about finding the savings. The monitoring of our streets by trained operators based in the town is most definitely a 'frontline' service and would undoubtedly by affected by being moved to Medway.

Who hasn't had a school report which read, at some stage, 'could do better'? Well it looks like some nasty weather is on its way back and, it has to be said, that some of our schools 'could do better' this time round. We wrote a comment in Friday's Medway Messenger where more schools seemed to be closed than anywhere else, seemingly from the first snowflake a fortnight ago. We suggested that head teachers should put children's education as their over-riding priority rather than taking the easy option based on the worst-case scenario. Too many schools base decisions on minimal risk rather than simple common sense. Closing a school should be a last resort rather than the default policy once half a millimetrie of snow falls. There are some schools which adopt a more pragmatic and sensible approach with a little bit of Dunkirk spirit thrown in!

Were Paul and Rachel Chandler the engineers of their own downfall or were they just in the wrong place at the wrong time? The retired couple from Kent who were kidnapped by Somali pirates, in October 2009, returned to the UK last week.

Whilst one could not begrudge them the joyous reunion that would have taken place back home in Tunbridge Wells do this couple deserve our praise or do they deserve a kick up the backside? They were clearly in the wrong place and knew full well this was no pleasure cruise.

Let’s examine the facts and feedback: Nick Davis, chairman of the industry anti-piracy organisation, the Merchant Maritime Warfare Centre (MMWC) in the UK, told the Associated Press that the Chandlers, “Sailed into the lion's den and they did it knowingly and they should be sternly told they have created an international scenario that was entirely avoidable.”

Plus, ITV has reported that the manager of a Seychelles yacht club claims he warned the couple not to make the journey to Tanzania from the Seychelles.

Whilst I believe British citizens should be protected when travelling overseas, this should not be extended to anyone that has not listened, obeyed or followed instructions be it from the Home Office or any other body.

Even Stephen Collett the brother of Rachel Chandler said: “They were well aware of the risks they were taking”.

According to news reports money was exchanged for their freedom. I feel we may have opened a Pandora’s box if pirates/kidnappers realise that someone from the UK will pay them eventually - and of course it would have been difficult for the Chandlers’ friends and family to sit there doing nothing when the UK government quite rightly had to just sit on their hands.

Perhaps the government could have helped, not with rhetoric or sympathy, but by sending in the fine men of the SAS to shoot every pirate dead. That would be a better message, would it not?

As for the Chandlers, I think any money they have made from exclusive interviews should be used to pay back the very people (whomever they were) who put up the money in the first place?

Should the Chandlers be treated as heroes or hapless pawns? I am just not sure.

Almost as ridiculous as the above news, was the fact that Guantanamo Bay detainees are going to be offered compensation in the region of a few million pounds each. Not bad for a stay in the Caribbean - albeit for a stay in a maximum-security prison.

The compensation is being paid because they were allegedly tortured and the government doesn’t want to pay for a long trial to prove otherwise. Now of course there is no smoke without fire here so do we have to presume these detainees are terrorists or have had links to terrorism?

When I think of torture I think back to school history lessons of racks and fingernails being torn out and ducking stools! Whatever was done to these people I am sure was not as bad as that and it may have breached their human rights, but if the torturing of one saves the innocent lives of many thousands, then I know which I would prefer. Also the level of compensation is absolutely disproportionate and makes the few thousand paid to limbless UK servicemen and women a national embarrassment.

So, perhaps being a terrorist or sailing your boat into pirated waters does pay. But serving your country and getting blown up does not.

Oh the joys of election day, that wonderful moment in which we get to hold our officials to account. Democracy is a wonderful, beautiful and the most significant form of government known to man – true reflection of a civilised society.

But what about those who violate and betray the trust? The criminals, and those who are -more importantly- removed from society and isolated in prisons. Should this group cast a ballot?

Answer: No.

You betray the trust of the wider society then you must be punished. This includes exclusions to participate in the functioning of government and society. Voting is not a human right, but a democratic one – you cannot guarantee an open and free election in a prison. Voting is not a birth rate, there are requirements before you are entitled to it

But, more importantly, this is a moral issue. Victims uphold the decency and moral right for their antagonist to be held accountable. Including facing strict punishment, if necessary. The decision by the European Court of Human Rights signals another decline in the criminal justice system within Europe. The victim is now the little guy, with the criminal regard more important in the eyes of the law.