This cybernetic satan has cost me days of my life after hacking

by The Codgers' Club Saturday, February 9 2013

by Peter Cook

In case any of my email contacts are in any doubt, I am not destitute in Spain, I have not been robbed, and you don’t have to send me any money. Well you can if you like, but to my home address, not to Spain.

I am not a vindictive man. But I hope the demonic low-life perversion of a living organism that hacked my account has his underpants infested with the scorpions of hell.

This cybernetic satan has cost me days of my life. I have had to find my way through the mind-destroying underworld of the internet in vain attempts to get back online.

I have had my brain cells corroded by inane music for hours as I hung on and hung on to a helpline that seemed destined never to answer. When it was answered I was told to call another number.

I have had to change dozens of passwords, most of which I had long forgotten anyway, and lain awake at night lest the few shillings left in my bank account are being siphoned away by this blob of malignant slime.

I’ve even had my Facebook account shut down, though this could be a good thing. I’m still undecided about Facebook.

Having one’s account hacked certainly teaches you how much we rely these days on the internet.

If we want the best prices on our gas and electricity bills, we have to pay them online. I am still registered for VAT and you can only pay that through the net. There are no high street shops anymore, so the internet is the only way to buy many of the things we need.

I can’t believe that the criminals who try this kind of trick actually make any money from it.

The messages they put out in your name are couched in a phraseology that is clearly compiled by someone for whom English is not their first language. Who do they think they are fooling?

So I am more than a little displeased with this person as I think I may have mentioned.

I hope they become tangled in a cyber-web so convoluted and devious, that they disappear up their own USB portals.

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Categories: Internet | Moaning | Moans and groans

There are some offers I can refuse

by Nikki's world, with Nikki White Tuesday, February 21 2012

One of my friends was banging on about how great these discount voucher websites were.

She’d had a lovely meal out, and her hair styled at a top salon for less than half the price you’d normally pay.

Always on the hunt for a bargain, I couldn’t resist taking a look, and now I’m hooked, but perhaps not for the reasons the websites wanted.

Every time I get an email with their latest round of offers, I can’t wait to open them because they really make me laugh. It’s the randomness of it all that I love.

In just one day, I could get a personalised photo book for just £8 (I’ve always wanted to produce my autobiography), buy a mini fridge for £40 (presumably so I can put it on my desk so I really don’t have to leave it all day), and cut-price ski goggles (a month too late, mate, sorry).

For those weekend dinner parties, I could invite my mates round to try out my half-price murder-mystery game (or just imagine all those people I’d cheerfully wish a fictitious gruesome end), while sitting down to eat with my beautiful new cutlery set.

If I fancied a change of career, I could learn to become a web designer (at a massive 81% off, it was worth a serious thought).

I could also get my teeth whitened and my eyebrows tattooed on my face while sat in my Italian leather armchair, watching my robotic vacuum zoom around doing all the work.

If I was feeling really daring, I could turn my life around completely in just one day. But you know, I’m not that brave (or have that kind of cash to splash around).

In the meantime, I’ll keep looking forward to those emails, tempting me into a deal or two.

Although that robotic vacuum might be worth a go…

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Categories: Shopping | Internet

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