You’ll have heard about our fabulous competition to win a stunning James Villa Holiday by now, to celebrate the company’s 30th anniversary.
The great news is that there are three chances to win – kmfm is giving away one villa holiday in Mallorca, KentOnline one in Minorca and What’s On another in the Algarve.
When I’m on holiday, nothing can distract me from my sun lounger – not sightseeing, historical buildings, geographical features of note, the National Museum of Turkish Delight, nothing.
Just leave me there by the pool. Turn me once every 30 minutes. Stand back every hour ’cos I’m getting up and diving Tom Daley-like into the deep end.
One of my most vivid holiday memories is of a stay in the Med some years ago. I was staying in an apartment and the pool was in the centre of the block. I was loving the warm chlorine-free waters of the pool. The apartment owners proudly told us that they didn’t use chemicals in the pool. The water came from an underground spring and was then heated to perfection by the rays of the Mediterranean sun. Every now and again, we were told, the water was drained and then re-filled with fresh spring water.
On the fourth or fifth day I was going through my usual routine and the time was swim-a-clock. I rose like a bronzed Adonis from my lounger and strode purposefully to the deep end, winking to the senoritas and shooting finger pistols to the fellas as I went.
There were 40 to 50 people throwing admiring glances my way as I arched up into the air like a salmon before piking into the water with barely a splash. In mid-air I noticed the usually well-used pool was actually empty of other bathers. ‘Well, more pool for me,’ thinks I.
As I hit the water I instantaneously realised why I was flying solo.
What I hadn’t thought through was that the pool had only just been freshly refilled. From the underground spring. Way underground. Far away from the sun. Down where only Gollum dwelt. I have never felt cold like it. Those Army guys you see swimming in the Antarctic, having cut a hole in the ice, would have dipped one toe in it and gone AWOL.
Some things in my body actually stopped working. I’d gone in as gracefully as a swan – I came up like whatever the exact opposite of that is.
In a bid to kickstart my body and warn others of the icy depths I came up screaming: “Oh for goodness sake, that’s refreshing!”