Hi there y'all....as I have spent a little time today putting together notes from a discussion group that was held yesterday...I thought why change anything? After all if you are reading this you will  understand the fairly simple concepts contained within my notes. So here they are - un-edited. A summary of a discussion between a range of complementary practitioners and therapists of differing persuasions. I hope you may find some of it useful. If you would like to join this monthly discussion group please do get in touch.

Little note about the my notes: I hope nobody will be offended by these points of views - the notes are the result of discussion between a small group of people with different viewpoints - and may not represent your own views - and that is fine.

Subject: Closure on blaming yourself.

There were several examples of ‘blaming self’ discussed: Looking back and blaming self for something that in hindsight was appreciated as a regrettable choice of response to another person (example: saying something unkind to somebody), blaming self or other person for something that another person did that affected you (example: father left home), blaming self for something which was totally outside your control (example: being born and subsequent illness of mother). There were many examples. On a wider level we live in a society which uses blame a lot – it is not uncommon to read in newspapers that Mr/s X has been found guilty of this or that crime - and in our civilised society there is a need to protect others from those who would do ‘bad’ things (hurt, steal, etc.) by imprisoning or confining those found guilty of crime – to punish the guilty person but with the hope that the person can be rehabilitated.

Blaming Who?: The group explored ‘blame’, that is blaming one-self for something regretted or blaming others for a perceived wrong, and concluded that ‘blame’ serves no good purpose in itself – having said that some people find it easier to ‘move on’ with their life if they can lay the blame for specific problems on somebody else when you firmly believe this other person was responsible for what went wrong (although this idea may not align well with many spiritual or higher thought teachings). What was very clear is that on a personal level it is just as physically and emotionally harmful to self to carry with you blame for others for perceived wrong doing as it is to carry with you blame of self for having done/said something in the past that was now regretted.

Seeking Closure: This is about finding closure for ourselves from carrying the weight of blaming ourselves, or others, and there were a number of useful ways to do this. But – first must come the realisation that there is really no good reason to hold onto blame because it can only do physical and emotional damage to self in the long term and whilst it occupies your mind it reduces your ability to think in a rational and optimum way. However coming to this realisation is perhaps only the first step…knowing how to deal with the realisation is the next step and there are many ways to take this next step.

Beliefs and Secondary gain: To gain a wider understanding of Guilt and Blame it is worth exploring how holding on to blame (of self) can often support or underpin other beliefs. So for example you might believe you were to blame for your parents splitting up - as children often do because they hear arguments between parents which are about them. From this self blame (taken on often quite sub consciously) the child may have taken the further belief that they are intrinsically a bad and unlovable person and that is why their mother or father left the household. It is also worth exploring if there is a secondary gain from attributing blame to another … in other words by blaming the other person it may support the belief that you are a ‘victim’. If this is a belief you hold about yourself you will find more and more evidence to support this in all areas in your life.

Talking therapy: One way to deal with anger and guilt is by using various NLP techniques which are commonly used to help deal with negative emotions.  One technique allows the practitioner to take the client back to revisit the event using a ‘timeline’ process…although revisited, the process allows the client to experience the event in a disassociated state so that the negative emotional experience is not revisited in its full strength. When revisited via ‘timeline’ the client can bring to the original experience a new and more enlightened understanding of what happened and as this is assimilated into the event the process makes space for negative emotions to be ’let go’ and the new learning and understanding is allowed to integrate from that point in time to the current moment and even future paced – and thus allows the client to find resolution. There are a number of NLP processes to help with anger, guilt, sadness, secondary gain, etc. but these will generally need the help of an NLP Practititoner. There are also other talking therapies which can help with this issue.

Write it down: Some people have found that by writing down the reasons why you blame another person for hurting you…writing it down in detail and holding no punches…this can help to externalise it and stops it rattling round inside your head. The written letter can be sent to the blamed one…but sometimes the process of writing it down is enough and sending the letter is not necessary. If you decide to confront the blamed one with their ‘mistake’ either by writing to them or face to face – that person will often deny their part in the situation in an attempt to protect themselves from feeling guilty about hurting you or another person. It is worth bearing in mind that confrontational conversations do not often get the desired result. It should also be noted that we mostly all operate from a point of justification for our actions.

Understanding the big picture: This is a method used to allow forgiveness of self or others. Forgiving another, or self, comes from having a fuller or deeper understanding of the history and true motives and thus a kinder view of why we/he did what we/he did. The belief is ‘If I understand more about why I/he behaved that way, what my/his personal history is, what my/his particular struggles are, then I will "understand," and then I can forgive me/him.

Responsible but not accountable: Looking at the issue of blame in a more spiritual, or higher thought, way one could understand that although you may have done or said something which you later regretted (was responsible for) – that in fact you were only responsible for what you said or did, not any possible repercussions (therefore are not accountable) for this. From taking responsibility for ones actions one can draw the lesson to prevent doing this thing again. However, in the same way that you would take responsibility for your actions the other person is responsible for their own actions and it is for them to find their lesson when they are ready to accept their responsibility.This will happen when they are ready...but perhaps not when it suits you.

Summary: It is the ‘human condition’ that we blame others for perceived wrongs…mostly without seeing our part in the whole scenario…further to this we may even project onto others our own guilt. To see past the ‘human condition’ requires meditation and insight and perhaps a teacher to guide you. There are many spiritual awareness courses and if an individual is seeking for a spiritually aware understanding of the ‘human condition’ which includes a deeper insight into guilt and blame and everything to do with humanity it is worth finding a teacher whose message resonates with you. Some of these more abstract teachings about blame and guilt can be found here: http://www.circleofa.org/articles/ForgivenessFallacies.php#.T1jPlBNwsPg.mailto. These teachings do not necessarily represent the thoughts of all our discussion group however we did explore these concepts and so they are placed here as a record of fact.

More about the discussion group can be found here http://www.jumpingmouse.org.uk/unstickyourself.html

If you would like to talk to a therapist or practitioner for help with any aspect please do get in touch and I can point you towards the therapist or practitioner that may be most suitable for you.

Following on from my last post...more thoughts on talking and why we should do more of it.

I was talking to a therapist friend of mine (Pauline, she does birthday charts) - we were just catching up with each other...nothing specific just general chit chat about our lives and how we learn and grow. And I said, in passing that sometimes I feel a little 'stuck'....I suppose a good example is that I stopped posting blogs here for a while because I got bogged down in a hundred other things all of which seemed to take priority at the time and and before I knew it so much time has passed.

Let me say here that we are both therapists and we both help clients with 'getting stuck' problems regularly and further to that we both have a different way of dealing with 'getting stuck'...I will use a blend of NLP and Hypnosis  and Pauline would use her Astrology understanding to work with clients. But at this point in the conversation we were only chatting and not seriously addressing anything in particular. It was just one of those nice round and round, not going anywhere in particular, conversations you can have with your close friends whilst drinking coffee, leaning back in the chair, enjoying the warm respite from the freezing cold wind outside.

Pauline surprised at my 'getting stuck' problem started to explore what 'getting stuck' was like for me because it was her observation that I seemed to have boundless energy and that I am always busy. And that is true, I am always busy .. the old adage about 'if you want something done ask a busy person' has meant that I have half a dozen projects on the go at any one time.

So - to further explain what 'getting stuck' meant I resorted to using imagery and said "I feel as if I am like lightening, always 'alive', always moving around, sometimes unpredictable but striking here and there in a difused and random way". And then I had one of those 'Ah Ha!' moments.

The 'Ah Ha'  was the reminder that for me metaphor and imagery is a great way to work at a conscious and unconscious level to deal with issues like 'getting stuck'...metaphor is so good at bypassing the literal and conscious thinking that most of us apply to our own problems. And there was also the realisation that although it had not been our intention to talk about problems and issues affecting us that just talking conversationally had allowed this particular issue to surface on its own. And that by just gently probing it, without even trying to resolve it I had reminded myself of a good method for exploring and working on my own issues.

There was another realisation, which goes back to my earlier post, about how good it is to talk to like minded friends because they can often bring a totally new perspecive and if you can look at something in a new light and perhaps change what you are doing you can avoid another well known cliche..'if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got'.

Taking this further I thought it would also be useful for practitioners and therapists, who often work alone, who might find some benefit in sitting down with a bunch of like minded colleagues and friends to explore problems and issues we have in common...problems like lack of confidence, or sadness, or isolation...and so many other problems that we experience sooner or later. And with that thought in mind I have started a monthly informal discussion group for practitioners and therapists (and a friend). If you want to join this group please do check out here to find if it meets your needs too.

I think that means my list of 'things to do' has increased by 1 :)

A year since I last posted and I am wondering where the time went. I was really getting into the swing of writing as ideas occurred to me, and enjoying the process of putting thoughts into words...and then I just lost focus for whatever reason. But as I was walking through cold wet Folkestone today and passed my friend Rachal (she sells all the lovely incense sticks, burners and other wonderfully evocotive items on her Saturday market stall) - I stopped for a chat.

Rachal was happy to stand and  listen to me chat on about a hundred different topics whilst she sold to her regular custumers and passers by. And I realised I was using poor Rachal to download several months worth of thoughts all jumbled up.

During our chat we covered just about everything from: goats cheese and red onion tarts made by Nick Todd and available in Googies and what an absolute culinary delight they are, spiritual teaching and my inability to articulate what that means in my life, psychic healing and psychic events that I am producing this year, creams and potions that do not contain lanolin (lanolin makes my skin fall off), relationships and how strange and frightening they can be, trust and what a wonderful thing it is when you find it, mind, body and spirit events I will produce which may also give an opportunity for local practitioners to showcase themselves, serendipity ...well I just like the word, management training and the potential to work with a German colleague in UK and Germany maybe, our children and their emotional needs, the weather..it was cold and wet and necessitated hot coffee drinking and blueberry muffin eating, discussion groups and how my new personal development support discussion group for therapists and practitioners is shaping up, psychotherapy and psychotherapists who despite being wonderful at helping folk with problems have their own journey of inner learning (as do we all), well made wooden toys and the potential online market for them, weddings (Zac and Heather are getting married...yayyy)....and by the time I had paused for breath Rachal had decided that due to the rain it was time to pack up and go home (she said it was the weather anyway). She didn't complain once about my barrage of words and disconnected ideas and offered to visit me in the week to give me a much needed head, shoulder and neck massage.

After our 'short' chat...I realised that it would be far kinder and easier on Rachals ears if I just started to write again...so here I am and I will start to regale your eyeballs and brain cells with new thoughts from the chaos inside my head.

For now though..I just want to say that in my opinion we do not talk enough - OK I perhaps overdid it this time so I take that point but for Rachal to spend the time listening to me was a wonderful gift of her time and patience and allowed me to sound out some thoughts on a number of significant things happening in my life.Just getting the words and ideas out there instead of occuping my headspace calmed me down.

Ok, I have done enough talking for one day...I am going to give myself the silent treatment now and will not be talking for 6 hours (easy to do actually because I am on my own this evening lol). I will soon be back with more words though..so until then bfn.

Information about Practitioners and Therapist Personal Development Support Discussion group 'Unstick Yourself' can be found here.

If you would like to know more about the above free and informal discussion group - with no obligation - please sign up here .