CHILDREN in Need - that day when the whole country gets together and wears pyjamas and bakes cakes and gets waxed and sits in beans and thrusts buckets about my face - all to raise money for charity.
I felt perturbed that crying children with sad stories were being used to try and persuade me to give money to Children in Need - but that aside the main show was alright.
As usual Terry Wogan lights up the over-lit stage with his self-referential satire, while that woman off Strictly Come Dancing gives her best impression of a television presenter yet.
As did Fearne Cotton. Good work Fearne.
I just thank God Alesha Dixon wasn’t “behind the scenes” again like last year. She was vicious with her obsessive timing; “OK. WHATEVER.GREAT. THANKS. BACK TO YOU TERRY.”
Unlike Comic Relief, Children in Need always feels a bit rubbish. It’s Comic Relief’s poor sister. Maybe not even a sister. A cousin. Twice removed. The ugly one that you mock at family gatherings while she sits in the corner eating dust and mumbling about how bad everything is. Probably near a lonely swing, swaying on an overcast, windy day.
Highlights were of course the EastEnders/Coronation Street crossover which demonstrated how even the most depressing areas of the country, where everyone goes to the pub and dies, can be fun. Matt Smith treating a little boy who’d had meningitis to tea and cake in the TARDIS was nice and Come Dine With Me with the Dragons from Dragon’s Den was brilliant. Especially seeing old Duncan Bannatyne lose because he can’t make custard. If there is a finer voice-over artist than Dave Lamb I don’t want to know it.
The Strictly special with Harry from McFly was also (I'm ashamed to say) really good. (Also shameful is that I enjoyed Kylie Minogue performing her new single Better Than Today and I hadn't even been drinking).
Considering Harry had only had a day to practice he was amazing. It's just such a shame that Dougie was dumped by the Saturday's Frankie last night. The second time this year. It's lucky that bit was filmed weeks ago or it could have ruined the general jovial atmosphere.
The X-Factor managed to make me go mad on Saturday and I had to hit the bottle after The Beatles were murdered. More than 15 million people watched Paije Richardson get voted off last night - and he was one of the better ones.
Matt Cardle sounded like an angry hairdryer that had been left on all night and was being forced to dry someone with massive hair on Come Together; Cher Lloyd seemingly has never heard of The Beatles when she performed Imagine like a lonely leper left on some spiral stairs; One Direction continued to look like startled squirrels in suits performing All You Need Is Love (which sounded like the same arrangement used on the Blackberry advert); Yesterday is a dull, dull song and in my mind not even technically a Beatles’ song. Rebecca Ferguson should know that being from Liverpool; Mary Byrne was good; Wagner was bloody awful and Katie Waissel, at least, did Help! better than Bananarama did in 1989.
Cheryl Cole (who had the shameless audacity to plug her L’Oreal hair colouring products proclaiming “I’m very proud of my roots”) was even more stupid and rude and ridiculous to Wagner than she is normally when her mouth starts flapping around spouting syllables in all directions.
What with her being "in the spotlight" and on numerous occasions telling people “don’t trust what you read in the papers,” I thought it was a bit much having a go at poor old Wagner. After his little speech about how she was a council-estate princess I hope she felt very bad indeed.
And considering how awful she is and her preference for autotuning and mime, she had a cheek telling him that he should think himself lucky being on the X-Factor stage. At least he sings out of tune live.