The jubilee weekend is finally here and Kent is alive with street parties and celebrations. The kmfm Street Team are out and about soaking up the atmosphere and joining in the fun, as well as other activities.

On Saturday, June 2, we will be at Dover Tattoo inside the Connaught Barracks, which is always packed with families.

You will also find us at Leeds Castle for the Open Air Cinema on Sunday, June 3. Expect plenty of Jubilee celebrations plus the classic movie Grease which will be screened in the evening.

On Sunday, June 3, kmfm we will also be at the East Malling Jubilee fair from 10am. Once you have got over the long extended holiday weekend, it will be time to think about taking part in Man on the Run. This is a 5k run for Cancer Research at Herne Bay on Sunday, June 10. This is being run by the kmfm presenters too. Want to join in and raise much needed money? Go to www.manontherun.org.

Hope you are enjoying the music on kmfm. We are now playing you the new song from Rihanna called Where Have You Been. It is another upbeat anthem that has you reaching for the volume up button. It is perfect for those summer BBQs.

Cheryl Cole, sorry Cheryl, has returned to music and to the red carpets. I love her and think her next album could be her biggest yet. The new single Call My Name was written and produced by Calvin Harris. It gets released on Sunday, June 10. It is an upbeat, dance anthem. It is taken from Cheryl’s third album, A Million Lights. Will it go to No.1? I think it could. One big tune that is coming soon is Maroon 5’s Pay Phone. These guys seem to have a totally new lease of musical life.

The fact that lead singer Adam Levine is a judge on The Voice US has helped propel his band even further but also their mammoth hit Moves Like Jagger has brought them a new army of fans. Pay Phone is a catchy pop tune about a romance that is no more. One can not mistake Levine’s voice and for all of the right reasons, it sticks out.

More big hits are on their way this summer at kmfm.

Cheryl – she has dropped the Cole – is back with an infectious song Call My Name. It has been written and produced by Calvin Harris – the man of the moment in music production.

Calvin seems to be everywhere right now and has produced his own tune with Neyo called Let’s Go, which you can hear on kmfm.

This summer is all about the anthems. Tulisa’s hit single Young has a big dance sound. As has Jessie J’s new offering, called Laserlight. Her big voice echoes over a catchy chorus. Tune in to kmfm fto hear what I mean.

Plus, the singer-songwriter-feel to music is back... you know, when you listen to a song and you feel the artist has written it from their heart; their own experience?

I’m thinking tracks by the likes of Adele, James Morrison and Jason Mraz. Well, Paloma Faith is starting to feel like one of those artists.

Her single Picking up the Pieces is clearly a song written from her own life, about being in love with someone still embroiled in a past relationship.

It will grow on you and its 'beatiness’ makes it a steering-wheel tapper.

kmfm is out and about this week. If you are near Queenborough in Sheppey on Saturday, May 19, come along and see the kmfm Street Team at the opening of the new Queenborough Corner Garage. Grab yourself a kmfm car sticker and you stand a chance of winning a prize.

The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee is fast arriving and we will be out in force across the county, of course. We want to know who is having a royal party.

If you are, let me know and the kmfm Street Team could well turn up. We will at least give you and your party a big mention. Email andy@kmfm.co.uk. Speak to you on your way home.

CHILDREN in Need - that day when the whole country gets together and wears pyjamas and bakes cakes and gets waxed and sits in beans and thrusts buckets about my face - all to raise money for charity.

I felt perturbed that crying children with sad stories were being used to try and persuade me to give money to Children in Need - but that aside the main show was alright.

As usual Terry Wogan lights up the over-lit stage with his self-referential satire, while that woman off Strictly Come Dancing gives her best impression of a television presenter yet.

As did Fearne Cotton. Good work Fearne.

I just thank God Alesha Dixon wasn’t “behind the scenes” again like last year. She was vicious with her obsessive timing; “OK. WHATEVER.GREAT. THANKS. BACK TO YOU TERRY.”

Unlike Comic Relief, Children in Need always feels a bit rubbish. It’s Comic Relief’s poor sister. Maybe not even a sister. A cousin. Twice removed. The ugly one that you mock at family gatherings while she sits in the corner eating dust and mumbling about how bad everything is. Probably near a lonely swing, swaying on an overcast, windy day.

Highlights were of course the EastEnders/Coronation Street crossover which demonstrated how even the most depressing areas of the country, where everyone goes to the pub and dies, can be fun. Matt Smith treating a little boy who’d had meningitis to tea and cake in the TARDIS was nice and Come Dine With Me with the Dragons from Dragon’s Den was brilliant. Especially seeing old Duncan Bannatyne lose because he can’t make custard. If there is a finer voice-over artist than Dave Lamb I don’t want to know it.

The Strictly special with Harry from McFly was also (I'm ashamed to say) really good. (Also shameful is that I enjoyed Kylie Minogue performing her new single Better Than Today and I hadn't even been drinking). 

Considering Harry had only had a day to practice he was amazing. It's just such a shame that Dougie was dumped by the Saturday's Frankie last night. The second time this year. It's lucky that bit was filmed weeks ago or it could have ruined the general jovial atmosphere. 

The X-Factor managed to make me go mad on Saturday and I had to hit the bottle after The Beatles were murdered. More than 15 million people watched Paije Richardson get voted off last night - and he was one of the better ones.

Matt Cardle sounded like an angry hairdryer that had been left on all night and was being forced to dry someone with massive hair on Come Together; Cher Lloyd seemingly has never heard of The Beatles when she performed Imagine like a lonely leper left on some spiral stairs; One Direction continued to look like startled squirrels in suits performing All You Need Is Love (which sounded like the same arrangement used on the Blackberry advert); Yesterday is a dull, dull song and in my mind not even technically a Beatles’ song. Rebecca Ferguson should know that being from Liverpool; Mary Byrne was good; Wagner was bloody awful and Katie Waissel, at least, did Help! better than Bananarama did in 1989.

Cheryl Cole (who had the shameless audacity to plug her L’Oreal hair colouring products proclaiming “I’m very proud of my roots”) was even more stupid and rude and ridiculous to Wagner than she is normally when her mouth starts flapping around spouting syllables in all directions.

What with her being "in the spotlight" and on numerous occasions telling people “don’t trust what you read in the papers,” I thought it was a bit much having a go at poor old Wagner. After his little speech about how she was a council-estate princess I hope she felt very bad indeed.

And considering how awful she is and her preference for autotuning and mime, she had a cheek telling him that he should think himself lucky being on the X-Factor stage. At least he sings out of tune live.

EVERYONE knows that extraterrestrials are monitoring our each and every movement on television. The signals are being beamed out into space and they’re watching, discerning; plotting their unpleasant plans to invade - waiting for when the time is right.  They’re grey with big eyes and big probes.

With all the depressing news about murderers, terrorists, and the human predilection for malevolence, they’re holding off. That’s why the government insist on going to war - it’s to show how powerful we are and keep the aliens at bay. But they’re biding their time, waiting, watching Merlin, Hole in the Wall and Total Wipeout. But if these horrible aliens (they’re not soft and cuddly like ET, Alf or Zippy for God’s sake) catch sight of Five’s “Live from Studio Five” or the BBC’s “One Show” we’re all doomed. They’ll zip down and enslave us all; force us to watch Piers Morgan over and over and over again.

They’ll think we’ve rolled over like a cat who’s just bottom-burped itself awake and is revelling in the relief of being home-alone. Aliens have probes, spaceships and superior fire power. They can turn corn into concentric circles. We need to make the news hard again or we’re all going to kick the bucket!

I got bleach in my eye last night so I wasn’t really following Live from Studio Five (Channel 5, 6.25pm) all that well but I was eager to find out what had happened in the world during the day. From what I could squint, it involved two women on a sofa, waiting for their pizza and dough balls to arrive, chit-chatting about rubbish. (Striped tights are all the rage thanks to Cheryl Cole, but they cost over £40 and they “won’t make you look like Cheryl Cole”) Somehow they were on my TV and I was scared. I was clutching the cushion and now it’s all bent and ruined and covered in tears and blood.

One of them was called Jayne Middlemiss and the other one was called Kate Walsh. As I winked at their faces and thighs they spoke of Lindsay Lohan being jailed for the third time (this was the top story), marvelled at dancing dogs (item three on the news-agenda), interviewed Caprice looking like Pete Burns from Celebrity Big Brother, evaluated Kelly Osbourne’s secret slimming system (a bit of human-interest to lighten the mood, yeah, she was so fat! Mock the fatty!) and interviewed Ben Affleck (need a bit of celebrity interest to keep the plebs watching). It’s hard news for the 21st Century with tights.

Over on BBC1 Chris Evans was twiddling Gordon Ramsay’s gruff-box on The One Show (BBC1, 7pm) before the face-crevice became too busy laughing at helium balloons. Some bloke with a little beard was talking about condiments and marmalade-beef and the Welsh Alex Jones looked thoroughly fed-up in her blue sparkly dress. It’s hard news for the 21st Century with balloons.

If you’re reading this aliens, Lindsay Lohan will get you, Kelly Osbourne will make you eat lettuce, Cheryl Cole will come at you with her tights and Gordon Ramsay can send you back where you came from with his helium balloons. You have been warned. We’ve got marmalade-beef.

NICOLE Scherzinger might sound like an exciting new KFC meal but she’s better than Cheryl Cole. In fact I liked her a lot.

She seemed genuinely horrified when the laughing gnome and the other one with the neck-stretched t-shirt mocked the contestants. She was also more effective with her criticisms unlike “I think you’ve screwed things up” Cowell. Mind you, he’d make a magnificent Prime Minister.

Nicole’s also a persuasive lady.

She made me never want to eat fish and chips again after her disparaging remarks (who feels good after eating that?) and when Louis Walsh tried to entice her with a plate of fruit, I straight away felt very protective of sweet, sweet Nicole. Leave her alone Louis.

It was the last round of auditions for the X-Factor on Saturday (ITV1, 7.30pm) and this time they were in Mad-chester.

Fortunately, being in the sun bed capital of Europe they didn’t have to worry about stuff like getting stage lights as the orange glow from the audience covered it. If you look really carefully you can see a runner shining a torch on their carroty faces.

I usually stop watching after this as all the bad people have received a good booing off stage by a man who produced the Power Rangers single. But this all changed when go-go Chloe Victoria was put through to boot camp.

She’s got a daughter called Destiny, at 19-years-old describes herself as a “yummy mummy” and has more beauty spots than Derwentwater in the Lake District.

I imagine her head is so underdeveloped that she needs all that blusher/concealer/lipstick just to build it up to normal size. It did leave an awkward side-effect though. Her left eye seemed to be struggling under the mass of her enormous eyelashes.

Of course the real reason she was put through was to add some zing to the proceedings. It definitely wasn’t on singing talent because George Gershwin would have run himself over with his piano.

Chloe Victoria was recently accused by the tabloids of being an “escort” working under the name of “Candy”. It gives a whole new significance when she tells the panel: “I just want to blow you away.” But the audience were having none of it and were soon giving her a good booing after she turned on them: “Don't be tight, this is my life.”

I imagine she’s used to it though. It’s always embarrassing having one person clapping; particularly after sex.

“I think I’m definitely what the judges are looking for, there’s no one out there like me. I act like a star, sing like a star, dance like a star, dress like a star, I’m the recipe for a star.”

A star being a colossal, luminous orb of plasma held together by safety pins and conceived by a collapsing cloud of material composed principally of crop tops and ripped jeans. Yeah, she’s that alright.

My personal highlight was leaflet-distributor Valerie Roberts who looked like the love-child of Ulrika Johnson and Yoko Ono. Google her. You’ll see.

Nevertheless, I think it’s safe to say that the country’s next Christmas number one is secure when Nicole Prescovia Elikolani Valiente Scherzinger is on the judging panel.

So keen was I to find out more that I checked her Twitter page: “I love pickles. They're delicious and sometimes when you dip them in spaghetti sauce they taste even better.”

If KFC ever do a Nicole Scherzinger meal I reckon a spaghetti-sauce-dipped pickle will be included.