FAILURE and former foreign secretary David Miliband wants to get into television. With a face like his the schedules are no doubt crying out for him.

The Labour leadership candidate, who lost out to his brother in September and has an evil aura about him, has apparently approached the BBC with a number of “programme ideas”.

No doubt - with his evil hairline, eyebrows and eyes - his ideas are somewhat maudlin and dark with black humour liberally scattered among the script. Perhaps Cash in the Attic, but at the end he keeps all the money from auction himself and rides away on an old postman's pushbike.

It is unclear, according to the newspapers, whether David Miliband wants to front documentaries, appear in a sitcom, have a regular or recurring role in EastEnders or a series of shows dedicated to cosmetic surgery with a BBC3 chat show straight after called Milibands Mouth, where the studio audience go at him with knives and we get to see the results at the end of the show.

Either way, all of David’s proposals would involve him taking a starring role on screen.

Here are just some of the hundreds of proposals the big fat red failure has submitted to the BBC so he can have even more taxpayer’s money.

Miliband Hero: Brought to you by the makers of Guitar Hero, Miliband Hero features the hottest chart-topping hits performed by David on the spoons. Each week he is joined by a special guest. This week it's Hackney North and Stoke Newington MP Diane Abbott who duets on Gangsta's Paradise.

Gastric Miliband: Stuck for ideas in the dinner department? Let David Miliband take your hand and show you how to rustle up simple recipe ideas including sandwiches, cakes and pies.

Wedding Miliband: David Miliband has got a problem, he wants to renew his vows to wife - and professional violinist with the London Symphony Orchestra Louise Shackelton - but he’s lost the ring. Over six episodes follow the hilarious consequences as David travels the world having run-ins with right-wing extremists and terrorists.

Miliband On The Run: David Miliband robs a bank and has just 24 hours to find a way to Switzerland before he’s arrested. This tense and high-octane thriller will have you on the edge of your seats. Catch episode three with a special guest appearance by Ed Miliband who you can see as Mrs Hatchett - a woman who seems to offer him salvation but double-crosses him to the cops.

Marching Miliband: David Miliband marches around some of the hamlets and villages of Britain whilst blowing raspberries and sticking two fingers up to the electorate.

The election of the “wrong” brother to lead the Labour Party is unlikely to be good news for business.

That Ed Miliband owes his position so much to the trade unions will be a running sore. If activists threaten a winter of discontent, he may try to restrain them but they will always be able to retort “we put you there - keep quiet.”

Employers may find a revival in union militancy insufficiently curbed by a new leadership that is likely to be more pro-union than New Labour.

I read a lot about the end of New Labour and getting back to core support under a “new generation.” But surely it was Tony Blair’s creation of New Labour and its shift to the centre ground of British politics that ensured those election victories. It engaged Middle England and that engagement is vital to Labour if it wants to get back into power.

I’m sure that most Middle England voters in Kent would have preferred David Miliband, and it is strange that Labour rejects a man with so much experience at senior level in favour of someone with so little. I suppose it’s a bit like businesses that turn their back on an experienced employee in favour of an outsider with shiny-new appeal. But that lustre often fades as the organisation has second thoughts about their choice.

It is curious to think that had David been more ruthless about deposing Gordon Brown, he may well have been PM today, rather than playing second fiddle to his kid brother and quitting frontline politics.

I interviewed him at the Thames Gateway forum a few years ago and even then he seemed a leader-in-waiting, with an accessible personality, lots of intelligence and popular support.

Ed may surprise us, but he has a lot of obstacles to surmount if he is to win the wholehearted support of business  and a majority of Kent voters.

What does Ed Miliband need to do to restore his party's fortunes sufficiently for Labour to be in with a chance of recapturing the seats it relinquished to the Conservatives in May?

I've been trying to ask some former Kent Labour MPs this question. One I contacted this morning said rather cryptically that he wasn't making any public comment on party politics.

But Paul Clark, the former Gillingham MP and Labour MEP Peter Skinner who I have spoken to both identified immigration as ther party's achilles heel - both at the election and now. Their analysis is that the government was not direct enough about telling voters what it was doing to tackle the issue and introduced measures - such as the points system - too late.

Read my latest story on Ed Miliband

Both also said that the recession had made the subject even more combustible - unlike 2005, when it was still there but because there was no economic downturn and people were not losing their jobs.

They also complained that the government had somehow managed to think  that it had got its message out when all the experiences they were having while canvassing and talking to voters on the doorstep was that no-one thought enough was being done. A classic communications breakdown and a surprising one given the party's supposed reputation for being able to spin.

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I must admit to predicting the wrong result while watching the live coverage of the event on the BBC on Saturday. David Miliband positively radiated optimism while Ed looked like he'd swallowed a wasp and washed it down with neat lemon juice.

Still, I was in good company thinking that Dave had got it. So did the BBC's Nick Robinson, who also called it for the elder brother.

Fred Bacon, the former Strood socialist councillor who died yesterday, often had a quiet grin on his face as he debated issues.

It was in keeping with his sense of fun.

One day we were chatting and the subject got around to musical tastes.

It was as we were discussing this that we discovered we shared our admiration for Tom Lehrer.

In particular we both doubled up at one particular song - poisoning pigeons in the park.

On his last council meeting, he came across to the press bench and slipped something into my hand. It was a CD compilation he had put together of his favourite Lehrer songs.

I play it whenever I get a chance: it's by the side of my computer at home, in a well-thumbed corner of my collection.

I know Fred will be reading this when he gets a moment.

In which case, mate, enjoy Lehrer's words one more time:

We've gained notoriety,
And caused much anxiety
In the Audubon Society
With our games.
They call it impiety,
And lack of propriety,
And quite a variety
Of unpleasant names.
But it's not against any religion
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

(I thought I just heard a dry chuckle).

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The bus station on Globe Lane has finally got the go ahead - and no one is going to slow it down.

That, at least, is the plan.

But rather like the problems facing the local buses, timing ambitions do not necessarily match timing realities.

Arriva has had problems with customers angry at the delays caused by the road works.

It has had bigger problems (if that was possible) with the Traffic Commissioners, who have threatened it with all sorts of problems if it doesn't improve its time keeping.

The next few months will test all of us.

The whole area from Medway Street to The Brook and all the way to Union Street are to be the subject of roadworks and tree planting.

There's to be road widening.... and the mushrooms - shelters for passengers patiently queuing (in Chatham?) until they know where their bus will be waiting for them.

It will transform Chatham... eventually.

Who knows, in two years time the Queen might confer city status on Chatham during her Diamond Jubilee year.

Then again, Reading and Milton Keynes might be preferred.

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I like the story I heard last night from ex-councillor Mark Jones.

Labour's former education spokesman suggested there was a touch of austerity to the by-election in River ward.

Their candidate is John Jones, a former Midlands councillor.

"It helps," he admitted.

"We've got plenty of Vote Jones posters in stock."

Ed Miliband, who is fighting his brother, David, and several other candidates for the Leadership of the Labour Party, went on the knock to help Mr Jones (J.) campaigning for votes around Melville Court.

"Hello," he said more than once to startled residents, "I'm Ed Miliband from the Labour party."

And with equal enthusiasm they replied: "Who?"

Campaigning 35 miles up the line in Westminster doesn't seem to have cut the ice in Brompton's densest housing development.

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The outgoing councillor, Bill Esterson, now Labour MP for Sefton Central, also joined the campaign trail.

I hear he has been winding up the Conservatives in the Commons over the way the building programmes for the three Medway academies are currently hanging in the balance.

Among those stung into action was Cllr Reh Chishti, now also MP for Gillingham and Rainham.

Cllr Esterson - always one for sparring with the Rainham fireball - refused to stand down to allow him to speak.

Pity. It would have been interesting to hear his explanation if the Brompton Academy in his constituency fails to get the vital funds to rebuild itself to meet the needs of the pupils.

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Cllr Les Wicks came out with a gem when introducing the new Youth Justice plan.

"This will make sure they are not left hanging," he said.

I thought capital punishment in Medway was replaced by a spell in the colonies.

***

That's it for a time. I am off for a couple of weeks, and plan to do an Otis - sit on the bay watching the tide roll in.

Before I go, I cannot avoid mentioning the demise of the public's few parking spaces at Gun Wharf.

The council requires you to book in advance for a parking space. Except there aren't any.

So grannies, pregnant mums, arthritic pensioners and others must park at the bottom of the hill (if there is an space at the library) then struggle up the hill.

I have advocated a number of times councillors upon election should be required to break a leg. That way they would discover what a lot of their decisions mean to a lot of local residents.

The sooner the car parking is 24/7 "pay and display" the better. Why is it that the public has to pay, but not the public servants they pay?

After all, 339 of them earn in excess of £50,000 a year (and don't pay for the privilege of parking).

Clearly, it really is time I had a holiday.