Coronation Street.

STEVE has second thoughts about the baby meerkat as Tracy heads to the Weatherfield zoo planning to donate it.
Becky, meanwhile, waits for Steve at a mediation meeting but when he doesn't turn up she drinks four cans of Lucozade and goes for a run.
Carla falters and then falls over when Frank's solicitor arrives with a meringue, and Sean confides in Eileen that he is not sure adopting a baby meerkat from Weatherfield zoo is what he wants.
Tina is thrilled to pass her flying test and celebrates by getting drunk and driving a milk float into a wall.
Tyrone plans his date with Kirsty by covering himself in honey and declaring himself king of all honey.

EastEnders.

MICHAEL corners Eddie in a triangle, where an unconscious Tyler is clinging to life and a teddy bear called Bubbles. Michael reels off a list of their family’s favourite preserves – including raspberry - before demanding the truth about his mother's kitchen tile choices.
Heartbroken, Carol angrily rejects Vanessa when she tries to explain her actions of throwing a spoon at a mirror, causing it to shatter.
Meanwhile, Anthony cannot cope with his guilt at losing a swivel chair, and Whitney makes an emotional visit to Tyler's bed which she used to sleep in but hasn’t seen for 13 years.

Emmerdale

AARON collapses after chasing a bee, who stole the garage's cash tin to help feed its illegitimate off-spring.
Nicola reminisces about the time she found £5 on the floor with Jimmy, but is shocked to discover he has been trying to track down that £5 for 24 years.
Charity begins to feel shut out by Jai when she is locked out of the house by Jai, while Carl flirts with a greenhouse.

Watchdog

ANNE Robinson, Matt Allwright and Chris Hollins investigate companies offering to make you look thinner and prettier by undergoing surgery themselves. They also find out about fraudulent cosmetic advertisements.
Matt rides a motorbike around a building site taunting builder’s bums and attempting to interview one dressed as an old man.
Chris Hollins has a picnic to see what consumers are really like but soon discovers the damage of plastic forks and broken hearts.

Country House Rescue

RUTH Watson revisits Abbey Dore Court, a country house set in 150 acres of marshmallow farmland. She finds that the property, now under the management of the owner's biscuit barrel Barry Burbidge, has been totally transformed.

I’VE never liked Natalie Cassidy from EastEnders. Since I first saw her as a child - blowing that bloody trumpet and having to endure her constantly bunged up, nasal voice to her now cruising casually and with wisdom and knowledge over every other woman who’s given birth in her latest role as MOTHER - she’s annoyed me.

Now the "actress and personality", who plummeted to new depths with a reality show about having a baby, has predicted that child-snatcher, sorry, actress Samantha Womack who plays Ronnie in EastEnders will have a "great career" after she leaves the soap.

Surely receiving words like that from a hollowed facial expression of smirking know-it-allism marks the end of your career? It’s like being touched by Hitler. And this coming from someone who, in 2005, revealed she wanted a boob job to "give the boys at work something to look at". Subsequently she went up from 36A to 36D. Who’d have known? Especially from someone who previously only made headlines when she lost some fat.

Buoyed on by this unfounded press coverage she went on to do a fitness DVD about how you too can lose weight and even shitvision BBC3 decided "Natalie Cassidy's Diet Secrets" would make a great documentary. Oh how the tears streamed down my face over her torturous regime to get off the pie and chips. Truly inspirational.

It wasn’t long before E4 discovered how great it would be to get on the Cassidy bandwagon and pumped out an equally nauseating programme, "Natalie Cassidy: Becoming Mum".

Now she can go around criticising all and sundry about how they’re bad mothers and how she does things differently. The New magazine obsessive said: “The cot death storyline in EastEnders has stirred up a lot of emotion. Now I'm a mum I see things differently."

Of course, I mean a mother would never swap her child for another one surely? What is it Natalie that has annoyed you about the plot?

“I think the attention to detail was poor - Ronnie walking around hours after giving birth. Also, mums are advised to keep babies in a Moses basket until they're six months and you wouldn't leave a newborn on the bed like Ronnie did.

“That said the acting has been sensational.”

Sadly Sonia Jackson is back in EastEnders next week. Fingers crossed the Walford tube is on strike. Either that or I hope she brings a washing machine with her and becomes the first person in the history of Walford to have one of these new-fangled clothes-cleaning machines.

EastEnders has been widely criticised this week for having a storyline about a dead baby being swapped for a happy, healthy one and leaving thirsty drinkers in the Queen Vic disgruntled because Kat and Alfie are in pieces and aren't up to serving lager. Not surprising really.

It's a bit much when you're already feeling quite depressed, what with petrol being so pricey, and either way - most people would be able to recognise their own child had been swapped for another one. Even Angelina Jolie.

But it was revealed today that “Ronnie” actress Samantha something-or-other is quitting after finding it all a bit much herself. Even though she quite happily filmed the scenes back in November. She’s a professional with a conscience.

Anyway, here are some of the other risqué storylines coming up over the next year:

Ian Beale plans to get back at his son Peter by growing another moustache. Regrettably it comes to life and terrorises his wife Jane. Eventually Ian manages to pin it down in the Arches only for it to kill him.

Ian’s ghost later returns over Christmas in a seasonal storyline that sees Janine become a heroin addict selling black market kittens to fund her habit. This causes wide-spread national press condemnation after she starts popping meow-meow pills as a sideline and throws one of the kittens in a bin.

Meanwhile Big Mo loses a load of weight in an experimental lab which opens up in Dr Legg’s old surgery. This causes wide-spread national press condemnation after she becomes anorexic. Charlie ends up shooting her with a shotgun after a heavy drinking session in the Vic with the vacant hollowed out shell of Ricky Butcher. This causes wide-spread national press condemnation when it later emerges Charlie did not have a license.

Stacey Slater returns with an infectious illness which she caught abroad in La Tasca and spreads it around the square after Dot offers to clean all her clothes at the launderette.

Dot of course has her own personal demons to fight after discovering that she has cancer and is impotent. There is wide-spread national press condemnation when she proceeds to give birth to another child which she names Nasty Nick 2, despite Jim Branning having the snip when he was 43.