IF someone I love more than life itself bites it big with bullets and dies in a park, I hope Bradley Walsh will comfort me in my time of need. With his outrageous hair, his nonsensical glasses and outlandish trundling through all and sundry’s front doors drinking their tea, he’s comic relief in a devastating situation. Hey, your husband’s dead, but don’t worry it’s me, Bradley Walsh, look at my trench coat and glasses. Can I have a cup of tea love?
Law and Order: UK (ITV1, 9pm) is probably the most nonsensical pile of tosswipe I’ve ever seen and it left me scarred. All those jump cuts and locations written on the screen. House, police station, field, court room, office, sexual predator’s proving grounds. Plus, Bradley Walsh as Detective Sergeant Ronnie Brooks is about as convincing as Jack Tweedy‘s vows to Jade Goody.
Apparently this week's case hit close to home for DS Matt Devlin (Jamie Bamber from Battlestar Galactica) when investigating the death of a police officer and super best friend, DS Pete Garvey.
You see, they’d been super-best-chums since childhood but there was all that nasty business when parish priest Jonathan Nugent turned out to be a paedophile. Who’d have seen that twist in the plot coming? But hey, Father Jonny’s married now and has got kids and lives in a trendy flat with pottery-sculptures. Surely it must be a mistake? No. It wasn’t. Pete killed himself with a gun because Father Nugent was a child-abusing arsicle.
No amount of pottery-sculpture was going to throw DS Matt Devlin off the trail. (Unfortunately I had to sit through an hour of soul-searching and tea-drinking until he was banged up)
There’s a long sequence in court which is presumably what the announcer at the beginning of the programme was referring to when they said “adult situations“. You see, when she said “adult situations” I assumed it would be paying bills, filling in forms, doing the washing up and so forth. But no, there’s masturbation, porn mags and child abuse. With all the Bradley Walsh stuff at the beginning things seemed to be getting out of hand.
Anyway, the evil Father Nugent was banged up after DS Matt Devlin gave a harrowing recollection of what life was like taking a shower when Father Nugent was about. He closed that chapter in his life and next week investigates a filthy prison guard who was taking advantage of his position being in charge of all those lags.
Will Crown prosecutors James Steel and Alesha Phillips be able to compile a case in time? How many folders and important papers will they carry? Will Bradley Walsh drink more than three cups of tea? (Bradley Bingo cards should be printed in the Radio Times) Will the filthy prison’s guard’s abuse of his prisoners be included in the summing up during a harrowing court scene or has DS Matt Devlin been unable to secure the appropriate evidence despite knowing in his heart that everything a convicted criminal told him was true? Will Freema Ageyman discover how to act unlike a fish that’s discovered it can talk?
Tune in and find out - police procedure has never been so much fun - or take the smart move and watch An Idiot Abroad on Sky One which is on at the same time.