Does your person slip a cheeky one out when no one is looking?

SARAH Jane Smith is back on television this evening (that's Monday evening). I’m on holiday so I’m allowed to stay up and watch it (CBBC, 5.15pm).

The series follows the electrifying escapades of Doctor Who’s the Doctor’s former fellow traveller Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen) in the imaginatively titled “Sarah Jane Adventures”. I hope you’re keeping up.

This evening’s awesome adventure is all about a boy from Chatham (he really is) who can’t act (he really can’t), and keeps appearing to have “nightmares” about a strange cape-commanding man (he has finger-less gloves) with a white face who hasn‘t had much sleep recently. Turns out he’s called the “Nightmare Man”.

I’m not giving anything away though as this two-part story is called “The Nightmare Man”. I hope you’re keeping up.

But guess what - this fetid dream fellow is preposterously pernicious - and his existence spells certain peril for the world’s population. Thank God then that Sarah Jane is around with her sonic lipstick (really, that's what she has) and Nissan Figaro. And that talking computer whose voice sounds like Alexander Armstrong from BBC2 hit quiz show Pointless. Sarah Jane’s no-nonsense former-journalistic approach to these threats is certainly convivial for us all.

For some reason Sarah Jane has been given her own series. But what of the oft forgotten Doctor Who companions? The Romana Drama; Bonnie Langford in Hot Milk; K9 and the Mysterious Intangible Cat. Shouldn’t they be given a 30-minute children’s television show? Or even some of the baddies? The Cybermen and the Unfathomable Mrs Pilchard?

I can well envisage the Daleks starring in a hard-hitting, grim, urban police drama in which Bradley Walsh (who is Detective Sergeant Ronnie Brooks - the grim imagery being the fuel that ignites his powerful portrayal) is ruthlessly tracking down a murderer whose been killing prostitutes in the wrong part of Brixton. Things are getting messy, Bradley is looking grim.

He’s drinking tea and following a clue found on the back of an old peanut packet and soon discovers it was a Dalek suckering off those lonely men (don't get me started on it's gun). There’s an intense court scene in which the judge bangs his gavel a lot and the cross-examination of the Dalek reveals character traits the audience wasn’t expecting. Maybe it was doing it for its kids or had a heroin addiction. Or both. Maybe the Dalek's new lover has put it to work on the streets as a transorganism prostitute?

How about those farting fellas the Slitheen? We all know they can disguise themselves as humans. It could be an engrossing new game show fronted by Vernon Kay for ITV1. It would work a bit like Guess Who in which you ditch all the ginger people and those with glasses and, if you’ve played well, you’re left with the Slitheen at the end. (Does your person wear glasses? Does your person have blonde hair? Does your person slip a cheeky one out when no one is looking? ) There’d be loads of celebrities from Coronation Street and EastEnders taking part too.

At the end of the show- if you’ve guessed right - the Slitheen would emerge from it's skin-suit (disguised as Shane Ritchie in episode one) and rip Vernon Kay to shreds. You could then switch over to ITV2 and watch the production team trying to staple and sellotape him back together in time for the next show. I think Adrian Chiles would probably host.