I’ve just read a blog by a man who won the Orwell Prize for political blogging and has now written a review of this year’s Doctor Who.
The Daily Telegraph’s Graeme Archer said the only person who enjoyed the Christmas Day episode was Labour’s bloody “women are cool” deputy leader Harriet Harman, as the story was pro-Labour in its plotting – indeed it was “politically predictable”.
He was also extremely worried that little boys watching it might have got the message: “men are weak and women are strong”.
This could lead to some kind of weird reverse timey-wimey malfunction where women have jobs or are managers or have careers. Bloody women.
Or, more worryingly, those boys might grow up and not get jobs or be managers or have careers, because of a terrible inferiority complex brought about by Doctor Who needing the help of a bloody woman to save the world.
Yes, Mr Archer says we have a culture that “bends over backwards to transmit a message about the supposed inadequacy of men”.
He goes on to say: “When one of the most-watched children's television characters becomes a cipher for Harmanism, then I object.”
What a load of old cock and balls and cock. (Just because men’s unmentionables are slang for ‘rubbish’, it doesn’t mean we’re rubbish, kids. Men are cool.).
Anyway, Harriet Harman says really boring things like “Listen plebby peasant, the unilateral embolism of this socio-economic field of working group, climate change, quango-misdiagnosis, is extremely worrying in a period of economic uncertainty when everyone up and down the country is sitting around a table carrying out discussions that are ongoing and binge drinking.”
No one wants to listen to that. Especially men. Yawn. We’re down the pub and watching football and making executive decisions about stuff.
The Doctor (a man) says exciting things like “Quick, there’s a rip in the space-time vortex and the Daleks, Cybermen, Zygons, The Master and the Quarks, are all coming through and will destroy the entire world and universe. There’s not only going to be an explosion but an implosion all at the same time. Lucky I’ve got my Sonic Screwdriver.”
And then a spaceship explodes or something.
Call me politically naïve, but when a mum loses her two kids on an alien planet that they’ve travelled to through a Christmas present under a magic spinning tree, in a mansion that dispenses lemonade through a tap, and she's faced with acid rain killing her and her family before she wears a special crown given to her by a living tree, that looks like a king, that then ciphers the spirits of trees - that are alive and can talk - into her head so they won’t die... before she then pilots a spaceship through the time vortex to get back home where, fortunately, her husband, who had died over the English Channel a few weeks’ beforehand, spots the spaceship and follows it, landing safely, and more importantly alive, back on Earth – well, I just don’t get how that’s very Labour Party.
The only part of Doctor Who that resembles the Labour Party is that Cybermen have a speaking voice extremely similar to Ed Miliband.
And anyway, women have been portrayed as inadequate for decades. Doctor Who shows this more than anything – in the 1960s his female friends were called “assistants”, they didn’t understand words or colours, they were told to make coffee for the chaps and often fell over, spraining their ankles, and then crying about it.
They couldn’t drive cars or write with a pen, and they never had husbands because they were so useless at everything. Yeah, some of them thought they were hip and cool and could do stuff like walking without the aid of linking arms with a man, but they weren’t, they couldn’t. They were women. Bloody women.
But I of course fear for little boys now who might think women are better than them. Don’t worry boys, men are cool. We’re the best. Go men!
Harriet Harman was once quoted as saying: “Would I go back in time? Not as a woman. All those unwanted pregnancies and women having to defer to men? No thanks.”
See boys? Even Harriet Harman (a bloody woman) wants to be a man. Go men!
Let’s re-brand everything to make things assuredly male though. Just in case.
Spice Girls can become Spice Persons;
Brown-eyed Girl needs to become “Brown-eyed Cleaner Where’s My Dinner?”;
Girl Guides needs to be “Not the Boy Scouts”;
And Secret Diary of a Call Girl needs to become “Secret Diary of a Woman Who’s Got the Right Idea, Yeah, That’s a Job, Now Where’s My Dinner?”
And if you see a woman out and about today, ask her why she isn’t at home. And does she have a husband? If she’s ugly or wears trousers she probably doesn’t. These ugly, trouser-wearing women need to be working the fields, getting potatoes for my dinner.
And if she’s good-looking, and wearing a skirt she’s probably got too much confidence. Probably thinks she’s funny and intelligent too. Can walk and use a pen. Stupid woman. Give her a slap and ask her whether she’s made my dinner.
Anyway, whatever political party you belong to, you’re rubbish and I hate you because I’ve always had a problem with figures in power. Like Hitler and men who were in the Bullingdon Club. I think it’s probably a working-class thing.
And Doctor Who was pretty drab and dull this year, so I imagine Harriet “I was Solicitor General” Harman enjoyed it.