I’ve just read a blog by a man who won the Orwell Prize for political blogging and has now written a review of this year’s Doctor Who.

The Daily Telegraph’s Graeme Archer said the only person who enjoyed the Christmas Day episode was Labour’s bloody “women are cool” deputy leader Harriet Harman, as the story was pro-Labour in its plotting – indeed it was “politically predictable”.

He was also extremely worried that little boys watching it might have got the message: “men are weak and women are strong”.

This could lead to some kind of weird reverse timey-wimey malfunction where women have jobs or are managers or have careers. Bloody women.

Or, more worryingly, those boys might grow up and not get jobs or be managers or have careers, because of a terrible inferiority complex brought about by Doctor Who needing the help of a bloody woman to save the world.

Yes, Mr Archer says we have a culture that “bends over backwards to transmit a message about the supposed inadequacy of men”.

He goes on to say: “When one of the most-watched children's television characters becomes a cipher for Harmanism, then I object.”

What a load of old cock and balls and cock. (Just because men’s unmentionables are slang for ‘rubbish’, it doesn’t mean we’re rubbish, kids. Men are cool.).

Anyway, Harriet Harman says really boring things like “Listen plebby peasant, the unilateral embolism of this socio-economic field of working group, climate change, quango-misdiagnosis, is extremely worrying in a period of economic uncertainty when everyone up and down the country is sitting around a table carrying out discussions that are ongoing and binge drinking.”

No one wants to listen to that. Especially men. Yawn. We’re down the pub and watching football and making executive decisions about stuff.

The Doctor (a man) says exciting things like “Quick, there’s a rip in the space-time vortex and the Daleks, Cybermen, Zygons, The Master and the Quarks, are all coming through and will destroy the entire world and universe. There’s not only going to be an explosion but an implosion all at the same time. Lucky I’ve got my Sonic Screwdriver.”

And then a spaceship explodes or something.

Call me politically naïve, but when a mum loses her two kids on an alien planet that they’ve travelled to through a Christmas present under a magic spinning tree, in a mansion that dispenses lemonade through a tap, and she's faced with acid rain killing her and her family before she wears a special crown given to her by a living tree, that looks like a king, that then ciphers the spirits of trees - that are alive and can talk - into her head so they won’t die... before she then pilots a spaceship through the time vortex to get back home where, fortunately, her husband, who had died over the English Channel a few weeks’ beforehand, spots the spaceship and follows it, landing safely, and more importantly alive, back on Earth – well, I just don’t get how that’s very Labour Party.

The only part of Doctor Who that resembles the Labour Party is that Cybermen have a speaking voice extremely similar to Ed Miliband.

And anyway, women have been portrayed as inadequate for decades. Doctor Who shows this more than anything – in the 1960s his female friends were called “assistants”, they didn’t understand words or colours, they were told to make coffee for the chaps and often fell over, spraining their ankles, and then crying about it.

They couldn’t drive cars or write with a pen, and they never had husbands because they were so useless at everything. Yeah, some of them thought they were hip and cool and could do stuff like walking without the aid of linking arms with a man, but they weren’t, they couldn’t. They were women. Bloody women.

But I of course fear for little boys now who might think women are better than them. Don’t worry boys, men are cool. We’re the best. Go men!

Harriet Harman was once quoted as saying: “Would I go back in time? Not as a woman. All those unwanted pregnancies and women having to defer to men? No thanks.”

See boys? Even Harriet Harman (a bloody woman) wants to be a man. Go men!

Let’s re-brand everything to make things assuredly male though. Just in case.

Spice Girls can become Spice Persons;
Brown-eyed Girl needs to become “Brown-eyed Cleaner Where’s My Dinner?”;
Girl Guides needs to be “Not the Boy Scouts”;
And Secret Diary of a Call Girl needs to become “Secret Diary of a Woman Who’s Got the Right Idea, Yeah, That’s a Job, Now Where’s My Dinner?”

And if you see a woman out and about today, ask her why she isn’t at home. And does she have a husband? If she’s ugly or wears trousers she probably doesn’t. These ugly, trouser-wearing women need to be working the fields, getting potatoes for my dinner.

And if she’s good-looking, and wearing a skirt she’s probably got too much confidence. Probably thinks she’s funny and intelligent too. Can walk and use a pen. Stupid woman. Give her a slap and ask her whether she’s made my dinner.

Anyway, whatever political party you belong to, you’re rubbish and I hate you because I’ve always had a problem with figures in power. Like Hitler and men who were in the Bullingdon Club. I think it’s probably a working-class thing.

And Doctor Who was pretty drab and dull this year, so I imagine Harriet “I was Solicitor General” Harman enjoyed it.  

THE BBC's idea to save £700 million by spending £500,000 on consultants to advise on Delivering Quality First (DQF) - the broadcasters cost cutting programme - could lead to some sad-face, crying in a bucket, changes to their output.

Getting some sharp-suited consultants with Parker pens in is the only way a bloated mega-corporation can deal with identifying where to make the best cuts - after all, no one else could come up with inspired, original and profound ideas such as making people redundant and scrapping Homes Under the Hammer.

Of course, if I'd been invited in to come up with some radical proposals, a) I would have charged much more, b) come up with a better name, probably Cash in the Pragmatic, and c) I’d have merged BBC programmes together to make super-programmes. With the cash I make I’d have bought more suits and Parker pens and gone to ITV with a very definite view on Vernon Kay.

Anyway, Tonight’s the Night would merge with Newsnight to become Tonight’s the Newsnight in which John Barrowman wears a brightly-coloured suit with lights in the sleeves, and interviews leading political figures such as Ed Balls, before making their dreams come true by popping up in the Commons disguised as Jeremy Paxman in a hat and inviting them to sing on the Tonight’s the Newsnight stage.

Each night Barrowman sings a topical opener. Like tonight for instance, it would be about increased unemployment and would be to the tune of It’s Raining Men. Dancers would symbolise the misery of the prols as the Bank of England's governor Mervyn King tells teary-eyed, hard-working Britain that the economy could stagnate until the middle of next year. And there’d be glitter cannons.

To lighten the nation’s mood, A Question of Sport and Question Time would become A Question of Time, in which politicians and fat-mouthed minor celebrities like Richard Bacon or Vanessa Feltz answer one question. The audience of angry voters wearing jumpers and chinos sit there tutting and looking at their watches, waiting for the government to do something about life and unemployment and stuff.

BBC News 24 would be scrapped and linked with BBC News at One, BBC News at Six and BBC News at 10 to become BBC News at 246110. There would only be one presenter and that would be Huw Edwards. Each morning he would be filled with helium and pushed in the direction of news so he can do it live and on the scene. Which is what everyone watching the news wants to see. Otherwise it's boring.

Doctor Who could merge with Who Do You Think Your Are? to become Doctor Who Do You Think Your Are? in which the ageing Timelord goes back through his history, meeting his predecessors, and recalling how his fourth incarnation defeated the Daleks that one time. Richard Madeley would narrate because he’s not up to much these days and is cheap - unless Chris Evans is having another holiday and he's asked to fill-in on Radio 2.

Top Gear of the Pops could provide much needed "youth interest" by combining the latest cars with the latest fad in singers. I can imagine Justin Beiber in a Ford Cortina would go down well with the 10 to 12-year-old demographic that's so hard to cater for. Justin would then discuss the car in detail before launching into an argument with Jeremy Clarkson about prostitutes.

Springwatch and Crimewatch would join forces with Watchdog and have a programme that deals with villainous Springer Spaniels who commit antisocial acts in parks and then find it difficult to return a television to Currys, but only during the spring. Unless you add in Autumnwatch, then you can have two series each year.

Finally, BBC’s Children in Need would drop the child angle and just become BBC’s in Need. The seven hour charity fundraiser teleathon of wonder would see Terry Wogan host non-stop and include clips of BBC staff saying why they need the money.

Perhaps someone wants to cover an important issue in Birmingham or the drama department needs some extra cash to do another Jane Austen adaptation for Radio 4 and wants to hire Martin Jarvis to narrate.

Intermingled with the sadness would be fun though, people sleeping in baths filled with beans desperate to make enough cash so we can keep The One Show on the air and fulfill the contract renewal of Alex Jones.

DOCTOR Who. What’s going on?

The stories in time and space (normally Earth in the very near future or past) continue this week with The Rebel Flesh (BBC1 Saturday, 6.45pm), with a script penned by Life on Mars co-creator Matthew Graham.

Essentially the story is about some humans who make copies of themselves for some reason but the copies go a bit mad and the Doctor has to point a screwdriver at them and sort it all out very quickly in the last ten minutes of the second part next week.

Anyway, there are theories floating around about what is going on this series in the OVERALL ARC of things – is Amy really pregnant? Who is that woman with the eye patch? Why did a little girl in a spacesuit regenerate? Does the TARDIS have a toilet?

The real question - and the possible answer to this series’ mystery - is beards. Whether you noticed or not, I’m thinking head-writer Steven Moffatt has cleverly introduced beards in every episode which will build up to the “big bad” for the finale - a big beard.

Think about it. In episode one (The Impossible Astronaut), the FBI agent Canton Everett Delaware III had a beard while chilling out with the TARDIS crew following the Doctor being shot by a mysterious spaceman who had popped out of the lake.

In the second episode (Day of the Moon) the Doctor himself had a beard. In the third episode (The Curse of the Black Spot), all of the pirates had beards. And in last week’s episode (The Doctor’s Wife) Rory was spotted sporting a beard after hanging around the TARDIS corridors for 50-odd years.

So now we’ve established the real enemy in this series, we must ask where do these beards come from? I’m thinking the planet Chinneryhare 45.

Thousands of years ago there was probably a civil war between the two factions of beards – the neatly trimmed ones and the wild bushy ones. The ensuing nuclear war resulted in terrible disfigurements for the beard people and they launched into space to try and find a new home planet.

Taking with them their children - their offspring being designated "moustaches", the beards travelled in fine spaceships made of razors and Brylcreem.

Arriving on Earth millions of years ago they just about outlived the dinosaurs (they couldn’t take them over with the their terrifying powers, hence there was never a T-Rex with a beard or a Stegosaurus with a moustache). But then when humans arrived they pounced. Mercilessly.

Starting slowly with a pair of sideburns, soon the whole face of humanity was taken over. Think about it, have you ever seen a caveman without a beard?

It all links up and I am sure that in three week’s time when the finale airs, beards will be taking centre stage in an exciting stand-off with the Doctor. But the Doctor will not be fighting them alone.

Earth has had many alien visitors and all of them have been infected with a beard too. Expect the Doctor to join up with goatee-Cybermen and Craig David inspired Daleks in a battle to the death.

If you want to find out more about beards visit www.beards.org

Kentish Express reporter Thom Morris in action at Tony Bannister's holiday cottage in Lydd dedicated to Doctor Who, by GARY BROWNE.

HOORAY David Tenant is back on the television. How I’ve missed him. I was sad to see he no longer has his sideburns and stripy suit. But I’m being fastidious for no reason.

The latest mouthpiece for the Scotsman is Single Father (BBC1) which starts tonight (9pm). I’ve just watched it and (not really being one for tear-jerking dramas) the only thing I felt dismayed about was a lack of Sonic Screwdriver. And Daleks. And the TARDIS.

That aside, the story follows Dave (that’s David. Not the character… well yes the character, he’s called David too, but I meant David Tennant is playing Dave - the character in the show. Who, thinking about it, was probably called David by his parents but all his friends just call him Dave) and his exciting journeys through time and space.

No sorry, that’s Doctor Who. The story follows Dave (see above) and him dealing with his four kids after his wife dies (not by a Dalek or anything, it was a traffic accident).

Anyway, Dave starts getting all these rampant feelings for his wife’s best friend Sarah. Is it too soon to love again? I mean his wife's gone, there's no two ways about it. She's dead. But what about Sarah’s boyfriend? Won’t he be a bit miffed? Probably. Doesn't Sarah respect her friend's memory? Can she really get it on with a man called Dave? Oh I don't know. Hopefully they will both come to some inner-conflict-resolution as to what to do by the end of the month.

“Sarah” claims to be a teacher at a school although I suspect she isn’t all she claims. (Possibly a Zygon from Zygor in the Tau Ceti system?) I don’t know I’ve only got episode one and there’s three more to go.

However, if the writer was thinking along the same lines as me it’ll almost certainly end with Dave having to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow causing not only an explosion but an implosion - wiping out humanity.

It won’t come to that though; there’s children involved. The custody courts frown on megalomania and trying to blow the Earth up. Ask Davros. He hasn't seen his kids (Graham, Malcolm and Exron43) for years and they're growing up so fast.

I won’t spoilt it anymore for you, I've given too much away already.  I’ll just give you a casual reminder that Louis Theroux is on at the same time on BBC2 to spend time with some criminal gangs which, to me, sounds much more exciting. Vworp, Vworp.