So we’re still paying off Christmas and the next set of festivities with ‘£’ signs attached has already come heaving into view – Valentine’s Day.
It’s another high-pressure time of year. Especially as a man. Just remembering it is hard enough.
And then there’s the dilemma over the choice of pressie. Is it OK to buy chocolates? The ladies love choccies, but hang on – is there a diet regime currently under way that I’ve been repeatedly told about but not registered? Will a gift of several thousand calories be appreciated? Will I end up wearing the chocolate truffle?
Who decided what’s romantic anyway? A bar of chocolate stamped out in Birmingham is not romantic, but a box of chocolates delicately handcrafted by a kindly monk in Belgium is.
It’s all a moot point anyway. There’s still a load of the kids’ selection boxes left over and they don’t like the fingers of fudge. My other half’s sorted until the August Bank Holiday.
And who decided candles are more romantic than a 40-watt light bulb? Candles are all dull and flickery. When you’re bringing out the meal you can hardly see where you’re walking. Is romance worth a trip to A&E with a twisted ankle?
Plus you can hardly see the object of your desire over your microwave lasagne for two. Actually maybe that’s the attraction. In a dim light you could easily mistake me for Ben Affleck. A very, very dim light.
And don’t even start me on a evening in front of a real fire. You’ve got to get the logs from outside (where it’s almost certainly raining) and get kindling, paper, matches, pokers, stokers, fire retardant clothing... what a palaver.
Once the fire finally gets going you’re like a rotisserie chicken if you get within a quarter of a mile of it. Who wants to relax on a sheepskin rug in front of that? On that note, who wants to recline on a sheepskin rug anyway – that’s a sheep’s skin! A nice reliable radiator, that’s what you want.
What about roses? They’ve got great big prickles sticking out. If they invented them today they’d never get past health and safety – the gift that says “I Love You” while drawing blood.
Everyone loves a cup of tea but you can’t seduce someone with a mug of Tetley. The rules say it must be coffee. The smaller the cup the better. You’ve smelt coffee breath though right?
Avoid this romantic minefield and make sure you’re listening to kmfm Breakfast when we’ll give you a chance to play Love Boat with our friends from P&O Ferries. You could be sailing to France in Club Lounge luxury, enjoying wonderful food and wine in the brasserie, as well as picking up special gifts from the on-board shop. And one lucky couple will win £2,000!
Happy Valentine’s Day!