Okay, so the rumours circulated that there was a lion on the loose near Clacton in Essex. How many more stories like this are going to be followed up by droves of police officers and reported on my drama hungry papers ? It's a sorry state of affairs, and it's hysteria that makes a mockery of my research because when investigators, as usual, find no evidence of the lion king, everyone starts laughing and saying that there are no large cats roaming Britain. So let's  look at the details.

Someone claimed they'd seen a lion in a field a few days ago. The story spread like wildfire, newspapers got involved, my phone started to ring, the police turned up at the location, photographs of the 'beast' began being passed around and so was born the 'Lion of Essex' legend...another unfounded scare akin to the Shooter's Hill cheetah, The Edgware Tiger, the Winchmore Hill lioness, the Sydenham leopard blah blah blah. Yep, the police had every right to investigate it as it was a matter of public safety but surely such a fuss wasn't necessary. A couple of animal trackers would have sufficed because if anyone knows anything about cats, lions do not behave in an incredibly elusive manner, lions would seek large prey and also seek a pride, and lions DO NOT inhabit the wilds of Britain, neither do tigers, jaguars or cheetahs.

There are three suggestions for the Essex lion story - 1) maybe, just maybe there had been a lion that had escaped from a zoo/private collection - or if you read some of the papers, a circus which had stopped by a few weeks previous. 2) there was no lion at all, just a bunch of witnesses who didn't have a clue what they were seeing or maybe had nothing better to do than make it up, 3) judging by a couple of reports in which witnesses described seeing a tan-coloured cat with a white chest, a puma may have been involved. Whatever the truth, if there was a lion roaming Essex - it would no doubt be used to being hand-reared, lacking excerise and keen to feast on those mutant's with their swept over fringes, white teeth and small percentage of brain cells. If a lion had been roaming Essex then the police would not have called off the search. If a lion had bene roaming Essex it would have been heard roaring on numerous occasions, would have been on the prowl for livestock, and would have left behind a few very large prints. Lions are not elusive hunters that climb trees. Lions are bloody big animals.

A few people fell for the photoshopped images floating around the internet. Newspaper reporters and tv crews flocked to the scene, once again falling for it hook, line and sinker and when no animal turned up, the sceptics mocked, scoffing at those foolish enough there would be big cats in the wild. Of course, despite this farcical affair, it doesn't explain the fact as to why for the last two-hundred or so years, peope have reported seeing large black cats, and slightly smaller puma-like cats around Ongar Marshes, Epping Forest, Brentwood etc. It also doesn't explain that in the last week I've received 11 reports of black leopard from various parts of Kent and Sussex and none of these were investigated by police helicopters.

What people need to realise is that there are smaller exotic cats roaming the UK, but stories pertaining to lions, tigers and cheetahs must be taken with a pinch of salt, and if by chance a lion does turn up in the local woods, then it has simply escaped from somewhere and will be recaptured usually with the use of a tranquilliser, or sadly shot dead. Over the years lions, tigers and the like have escaped from private menageries, zoo parks and the occasional circus, but they don't escsper and then live forever more in our wilds - can you imagine a tiger escaping from a zoo and then exisiting in your local wood for years without detection ? It doesn't happen. Mind you, if a black leopard cub, or puma kitten was released it could survive easily in the wilds of the UK, there's plenty of food and cover, but these animals exist by using stealth.

Give it a few months and another big cat scare story will hit the newspapers, televsion reporters will turn up to the scene in their droves waiting for the cat to emerge from the shadows and give an interview, and the 'big cat' hunters/researchers will arrive in camo' gear, salivating at the thought of being involved in another 'mystery.' It happens all the time. One of the only occasions the story turned out to be nothing more than fiction was in 2001 when a lynx was found in Cricklewood in London. It was underweight and had an injured back leg, suggesting it had been kept illegally as a pet - but the newspapers and the like had a field day and I really felt sorry for the animal as it was hunted through the back gardens of leafy London, but thankfully the animal was only tranquillised and was sent off to a zoo. In 2005 when a man claimed he was attacked by a leopard in his garden at Sydenham, police tured up with taser guns...it left me asking who was the biggest threat, a cat which had probably not been in the area whatsoever, or the police and the press, eager to create another witch-hunt. 

It's not often I do 124mph down a Kent motorway but yesterday was a bit different.

Sorry officer:

"I had cramp"..."I didn't realise"..."I'm late for a cross-stitch class"..."I wondered why no-one was overtaking me"..."I haven't got my glasses on and couldn't see my speedo" ..."I've got to get my Schitz Shu to the vets"..."My nail's broken and I've got to get to A+E"..."Someone stole my snowman", were all the possible excuses I could have used but I didn't have to - haha, I got away with it!

¬_¬

There's something you need to know.

When you get stopped by a Traffic Officer, your excuse has already been heard at least 5,627,230+ times before and therefore the Officer has a bank of answers to give right back to you including a fine, points on your licence and/or a ticket in most circumstances; friendly advice on some occasions... if you're lucky.

You DO realise you've been stopped for a reason, don't you?  Ignorance is no excuse when it comes to the Law; it really isn't.

No, you're quite right, you weren't speeding but at the end of the day, something is not quite right with your vehicle which you may or may not know.  However, whatever the circumstance, you've chosen to ignore it and the chances are you think you won't get caught, so deep down if you do, your plan is to act dumb, play the fool, deny all knowledge - simplez.  No.

It might be because you have a wobbly/vibrating bumper or that your wheel arches at the rear of your vehicle are half an inch off your tyres or your tyres just look 'odd'.  It might be because your hook-up trailer looks naff.  It might be because you're hogging Lane 2 combined with something else that has caught a Traffic Cops eye and believe me they WILL look and they WILL check.

It might be you have no seatbelt on or your vehicle's MOT or insurance is out of date.  Oh yeah, you can be safe in the knowledge those fluffy, friendly, black cladded, lacy stocking wearing, white capped, hi-vizzed, Bodie and Doyle types know ALL about you before they've stopped you.

It might be because one of your passengers eyeballed a Police Officer the wrong way because he's had one too many Bristol Creams or has smoked the 'wrong' type of Golden Virgina; it could simply be your personalised numberplate doesn't fit your face ...not literally (however, in some circumstances, this could be a blessing).

If you're a foreign driver and you're flouting any of the UK Road Traffic/Safety Laws you won't be ignored like the old days.  You WILL be fined.  So just a friendly tip - make sure you've got plenty of GBP sterling on you, else unfortunately your vehicle won't be going anywhere near to Lithuania, let alone Dover.  Oh, another tip foreign brothers and sisters, don't barter or use your poker playing skills (strip or otherwise) with the Traffic Cops, it DOESN'T work.

No-one is immune to the Law in this country, including me.

Overall folks, what you don't seem to understand is you're getting stopped because you're compromising road safety; your safety, the safety of your loved ones and more importantly the safety of other roadusers around you on the road at any one time - if that's a coach, then ooooo, that's going to be about 60 odd people (someone elses mum, nan, dad, grandad, auntie, uncle, daughter, son, beloved friend).

"IT's Not Going To Happen To Me Syndrome" is a general life philosophy for a large proportion of people however, when IT does happen, there's nothing you can do about it.  You're getting stopped because "IT will happen to you if you don't do something about it" - howzat for a better understanding?  Terminal illness however, is a different story - that's a roulette you can't do anything about.

They're not called The Professionals for nothing.

A big thank you to RoSPA Kent for organising Police Shadowing with Kent Police Road Traffic Unit (Coldharbour), especially Graham and Alex for putting up with the old crow in the back - I had a great day; thanks for breaking my racetrack record

ps. No evidence of lacy stockings whatsoever to be fair.

by Alan Watkins

It cannot have escaped the attention of readers that the police are coming out with lots of good news for us this winter.

Crime is down. Street prostitutes are a thing of the past. Our smiling coppers are working with all sorts of community groups. Partnerships are the in thing.

Bad news is out. Just ask Steve Corbishley, our ever-smiling Top Cat at the Gavver Station (aka the Cop Shop at Gillingham Gate).

There’s a bright orange bus with SOS on its side (though these days I suspect SOS is a cry for funding rather than its avowed purpose to save the drunk, drugged, dehydrated or simply over-partied young hanging around Medway’s nightspots).

Thanks to the telly, the Fuzz has introduced Britain to a new source of storage once trouser pockets, handbags and purses become too full. It’s known as the Chatham Pocket (though fortunately some of us prefer a Man Bag).

Rumours abound about the demise of cannabis factories, brothels and speeding drivers. You’ll be delighted to know, for example, that there are only two burglaries a day in Medway.

From the Neighbourhood Watch reports I see they appear to be in the same small residential area in Gillingham, which means the rest of us see no criminal activity.

So we can all sleep soundly in our beds then, can’t we? Is it possible it all has something to do with the impending election of a police commissioner for Medway?

Or are they being lulled into a sense of wellbeing by our failure to report the attempted car thefts, petty pilferings and misdemeanours associated with misunderstood members of the community crying out for help?

I regret it has all the hallmarks of being a massive PR exercise.

Meanwhile, it will be interesting to see who decides to stand to be our first commissioner – our Happy Chappie Constabulary can’t stand.

by Peter Cook

Allowing the cameras in to the custody suite at Medway Police Station showed great courage and an enlightened spirit by the local force.

It was particularly commendable that senior officers kept out of the picture, allowing civilian staff and the officers who actually do the job, to tell the story.

And a depressing story it was, revealing the revolving door of drug takers committing crimes to support their habits, going to prison, and then coming out to do it all over again.

As the custody sergeant said, the only way for them to break the cycle would be to get clear away from Medway and the influences that perpetuate their decline.

To my mind, the men and women of the custody suite are the real heroes of the Police Force.

There is no glamour in what they do. It’s an endless round of booking people in, clearing up after them, and watching them deteriorate from healthy youngsters into derelict human beings who have lost all control of their lives.

It’s the side of life that most of us prefer not to know about. But still these officers and civilians carry on with great good humour and forbearance, knowing that the people they lock up will play the system and give them the run-around, often dishing out drunken verbal abuse.

Like most viewers, I suppose, I couldn’t help but be fascinated by reference to the notorious “Chatham pocket”, a handy orifice for storing useful items such as a cigarette lighter or a mobile phone in conditions where there is no chance of contamination by sunlight.

One chap apparently had two mobile phones stored, together with chargers! So what happens if you get a call?

Can you get a signal up there? And what happens if you get a sudden coughing fit and accidentally dial The White House or somewhere?