"I'm going on holiday" The Predictable Sequence

"I'm going on holiday" The Predictable Sequence

by Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith Friday, November 9 2012

I don't know if you've noticed this, I doubt you have, you probably don't care. I was talking to a few friends who are going on holiday in a few weeks and I realised there's a whole process involved whenever someone does go on holiday.

Firstly, it starts off with someone telling you that they're going away, this question, without fail follows up that statement, "Where are you going? Anywhere nice?" Why. Why do people add on the "anywhere nice?" question?

"No, I'm not going anywhere nice actually, I thought I'd go Zimbabwe this year, I hear the food there is lovely" it's a pointless question. It's not needed.

Then something else equally as frustrating to me follows, people always say "Oo I'm so jealous, put me in your suitcase", everybody says that, everybody. Firstly, how big a suitcase are they going to be taking which can fit not only an entire two weeks worth of clothes, but also a human being? How are you going to get that past airport scanners? Those scanners can pick up drugs concealed inside a book, I think, just maybe, they're going to see through someone hiding in a suitcase. Not to mention baggage handlers, the way they chuck those suitcases about you'd be dead before you even got onto the plane. I know you're not supposed to take it literally, but I do. 

Anyway, your friends or family will go off on their travels, they'll arrive and you'll get the phonecall "I'm just calling to tell you I got here alright", what, was you expecting not to? I thought that was the point in going on holiday, you get to the place you're holidaying in. I didn't realise we were expecting a plane crash. The phone call continues on, here's generally how that phone conversation always goes.

Person On Holiday: I'm just calling to tell you I got here alright

Person Not On Holiday: Oh that's great, whats the weather like?

Person On Holiday: It's gorgeous, clear blue skies and it's 35c outside.

Now, here comes the next annoying cliche

Person Not On Holiday: I'm so jealous, 'bring it back with you'

Bring it back with you? Yeah okay, I'll just pick up the Earths equator and stick it in my suitcase ready for the flight home, might sling some string around the sun and stick that in my giagantic suitcase too while I'm at it. 

Anyway, the next 6 days or so pass and you don't really hear from them, you get the occasional text, "I'm having a great time, wish you were here", no you don't. If you really wished I was there you'd have bloody payed for me to go on holiday with you in the first place.

The holidays over, you pick them up from the airport or see them a few days later, whatever, you ask how their holiday was. Why do people always insist on then telling you that they were ill one of the days they were on holiday? Without fail they will tell you they were ill. They wouldn't care if you told them you got ill while they were away though, would they? But just because they were in a Foreign country and happened to get a little bit sick, they feel its important that they tell you. 

Here's the real clincher though and one that drives me absolutely crazy. 

Person Not On Holiday: Did you enjoy it?

Person On Holiday: Yeah, could have done with a little bit longer, 10 days I think, not two weeks. 

Everybody says that. If 10 days is so perfect then go for 10 days! One week is apparently not long enough, but somehow two weeks is too long. Go for 10 days then, people say this everytime they come back! People always come back dressed in their holidays stuff too, you'll see people getting off a flight back in England wearing straw hats and shorts, they forget its about 10c and raining in this country so they'll then step outside the airport and complain its cold for the next week.

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Medway's Victor Meldrew, by Danny Smith

I'm the type of guy that absolutely loves to moan about things, things that a large majority of people simply overlook wind me up and there's nothing better than letting off steam by forcing overs to listen to me moan.

I'm also fairly good at advice, ironically. If you're a guy and need some tips with the ladies, this is the place, I plan to give a male perspective on dating whilst throwing in a few whingy blog posts for good measure.


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