Our garden is a harbinger of all things nasty including harbouring Hannibal lecter. You see avid reader our garden is a serial killer. Its target of choice - strimmers!
This September we would have been at this bijou small 2 bed 3 years. Already the house has killed 4 dining chairs, 1 sofa, 3 kettles, 3 Hoovers, 2 washing machines, a generic mp3 player, a classic ipod, a 24” hi-def telly. Then there’s Alexxus’s bop n go robot from ELC which is now a mute. A Disney princess nightlight which divorced the shelf and married the floor (in pieces). A buzz light-year dsi caddy charge station which wont shut. A virtually indestructible orig Xbox controller which is destroyed (with blaines help) an official Xbox 360 pad which the battery wont charge, keeps messing up in game with a chunk taken out of the left joystick - that was Alexxus the mooface. An ipod touch with a completely smashed screen - Blaine and fan-stand ensemble. Plus a top gear stig remote control atom.
Arrgh then the garden gets into competition with the house. It has killed 5 yes 5 strimmers. It also does not like flymos with plastic cutters. You can guarantee within seconds of attaching one, it will snap. The garden is pure EVIL.
We have 2 gardens. The back one is a third patio and ¾ Armageddon. The grass grows so quick you could mow it in the morning and by 5pm you need to recut.
The fronts worse, we have a gate and some stairs to the front door. One side there’s a slope and the other is a triangular plot of doom. Its huge and on a slope so as you look it has an incline right to left of a 4 feet climb. that’s not all we also have a bit by the fence we have to push a mower up. So you run up with it then backtrack and hope you don’t fall into the couple of grassed over potholes or clumps of coots grass which have been genetically modified in Pfizer labs.
Strimmers last 3 months max, before the mower with the metal blade of death. We had 2 strim (everything) so you was forever re stringing the strimmer, waiting for it to cool down or your hands will be ringing with vibration AFTER doing it.
But it will die, and usually even after taking regular breaks and such (sounds like a flipping computer usage manual) it will smoulder, so you frantically blow on the strimmer to cool it off, then it will smoke a lot and already you can hear the megalomaniacal laughter from the evil garden. Then it will get weak and lose power and finally it dies and CREMATES ITSELF.
This happens EVERYTIME and frankly 5 strimmers = about 80 quid. 80 quid spent on self destructing plastic electric motored grass killers.
Our front garden has these….PLANTS which appear. Usually about 2in across in girth, with seeds and stuff they are like triffids. Popping up here and there and they are a pain in the proverbial to remove. Then there’s the bramble orchestra with looks mutated. The stingers which annoy like flies in a portaloo. GARDENING IS HELL.
Some people show off their gardens and say “ooh look at my petunias” or my roses are a hybrid” I just want to get in some of their faces and scream “shuuuuutttttttt uppppppp” some of these people are a farce, they don’t doddery go and tend their gardens, oh no. they phone mr tax avoidance, I will do that for you, yes that is no problem as long as the cats home does not get all the money and you could fund for me an ickle minor teeny weenie real estate investment in Dubai.
Come on how many people ACTUALLY do their gardens?……..right and how many actually buy in help? Hmmm didn’t think of that did you? Like some so called well tendered homes. Did they really tidy up, polish the brass horseshoes, Hoover the shag pile, spray the airfreshner. Warm the teapot, buy the earl grey? Hmmm some people are frauds aren’t they so be careful as it isn’t what it seems.
Its like the other day. I went out in thistledown, the world his wife and 3 lovers are in a supermarket and buying the potted seeds, manure pots, grow bags or going down to mr r-goose and buying all sorts for the pending summer YET ITS RAINING AND WE ARE IN A DROUGHT. These “sheep” need shearing. RANT OVER!
Right back to Anthony Hopkins. Atm it looks like the savannah, with the long grass. Im sure I saw a lion, 2 tigers and a fleeing zebra or it might be me taking too many painkillaz.
In short, I too will be turning into a killer because as soon as this wet weather passes I will MURDER that garden.
Have a happy summer and thanks for reading